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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I am one lucky girl!

First off, let me thank all of my wonderful family and friends to reached out to me with unconditional love and support in regards to my last blog.  I love you all, and all of the support, prayers, and hugs have meant the world to us.  I also think that I fixed it to where people can now comment on my blogs, lol.

These last few months have hit our family hard from several angles.  Many of you know that we are dealing with Nathan's PTSD and other issues.  We also had it confirmed today from Nathan's new doctor that he does in fact have Narcolepsy .  I'm dealing with my Fibromyalgia.  Our finances have been hit.  Dealing with the Army's BS. The cherry on top would be our recent miscarriage.  I've been down to my deepest point wondering "why me?". Right at the time in my life where I've made a conscience decision to live my life the way that God wishes, or at least trying as humanly possible.

I've come to realize that I'm being tested.  My faith in God is being tested.  Do I really have faith that he has a perfect plan for my/our life?

When I get hit with a trial I tend to get angry and feel sorry for myself.  But now I will hold my head high, believing that everything happens for a reason.  The outcome of a terrible situation can be turned into a lesson.  What do *I* choose to do?  From this moment on, I am going to look at the positives in an awful situation.  What are the blessings in disguise that I should be seeking out of it?  I am striving to live gracefully, and that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to start being creative.  I truly have been blessed.  I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, two amazing little boys who never cease to amaze me, and a wonderful circle of family and friends.

Thank you to everyone who has stood by side, who have helped hold me up when I'm crumbling.

Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Most embarrassing/humbling moment of my life.

Today had went grocery shopping to get us through until the end of the month.  With the holidays coming our budget is super duper tight.  I had a certain amount in cash.  That was the rest of the money we had until December 1st.  That was to get groceries and gas and hopefully have a little bit left to get  us by.  Well, let me explain to you my most embarrassing moment ever.  Please note that if you feel the need to bash me or our money handling, take it elsewhere, I don't care to hear it.  We live by a very strict budget.  If would be be beneficial for me to work, trust me I WOULD!  It's days like today where I hate myself for not being able to contribute to our families needs.

I cut a TON of coupons this morning and went to the grocery store.  With Thanksgiving coming up, and quite a stretch until the next payday I was trying to stock up.  Not only that, but our pantry and freezer are nearly bare.  So I had an over flowing cart full of groceries, buying as many generics as I possibly could.  Completely avoiding all sugars, ice creams, cookies, chips, etc.  Other than a couple of snack items for the boys, all I got were necessities.  Feeling confident that we would have enough to make it, I made my way to the register.

About 3/4 of the way through the items on the belt I noticed that I was about $75 over the amount of cash that I had, remember the cash I had was ALL I had to get groceries and gas and make it through to the end of the month.  So I had to stop the checker and tell her my dilemma as I started picking through all of my already bagged up groceries, holding back tears as I set item after item back for her to take off.  Then I handed her all of my coupons bring me to a balance of $0.50 under the amount of cash I had.  Leaving important items such as toilet paper and diapers behind.  I probably apologized a dozen times before I humbly made my way out to the car.

Once I got home and I had to explain to my husband that our 3 rolls of toilet paper will have to last us the better part of 2.5 weeks, and that I was sorry I didn't have much for us to eat for lunches this time.  I started bawling my eyes out.  If only I could afford to have a job, we wouldn't be in this situation.  I often hear, "well can't you get on food stamps?"  Umm, NO, in fact, we can't get on them.  I stress about grocery shopping every payday, but we typically make it just fine but this time was terrible.  I have NEVER had to put back more than one or two items, not half a cart full.  Boy did I misjudge?  I can't even describe the level of embarrassment I felt today.

Please note, this is MY blog.  This is my place to vent and whine.  My place to let my emotions run free and express my anger.  If you choose to judge me, that's your business, but I don't want to hear it.  I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays.  It just seems that I get buried and I can't come up for a breath until after our tax refund shows up.  Then I can stock the pantry up, pay all of the bills that I've had to put off, etc.  So here's to hoping that February will show up fast.  Maybe this time I will be able to finally fill my savings account to keep this from happening next year.  Where there is a will there's a way.  I'm just so sick of scavenging around my house trying to find things I can sell for items like milk, diapers, and toilet paper or even for gas so that my husband can get to and from work.  God will provide...right?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's that time of year...

...when I sink down and start feeling sorry for myself.  That's what the holiday season does to me when I'm 1400 miles from home.  If I had all the money in the world I would fly them all down here to spend the holidays with us.  Living the Army life is no joke, it's definitely not easy.

It's hard to sit here knowing that family is gearing up for big holiday get togethers, while we will be sitting home alone.  Don't get me wrong, I am blessed.  I have my two wonderful boys, and my husband safe and sound stateside this year.  But it doesn't make it any easier to know we miss out.

I often times feel "forgotten" by most of our families.  I feel that as though we are in Colorado we are "out of sight and out of mind".  I only wish we were close enough to home to be able to hop in the car and visit on a moments notice, but just can't be for us.

What I wouldn't give to be able to close the door on this chapter of our lives and open a new one back home.  Back where we'd be with family.  Where I wouldn't miss out on my Niece being born, or helping my Sissy plan for her wedding (whenever that will happen).  Missing out on having family surround us for birthdays.  I am so very grateful for those very few who have remembered us, mainly the boys while we're apart.  You know who you are, and you are loved and appreciated.

I really don't know why I'm just rambling.  I suppose it's just easier for me to get my feelings out in print rather than sit here and wallow in my own self pity.  Now I will be off, pulling myself up by the boot straps, put my big girl panties on, and make the best out of our unfortunate situation.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Hurting

After asking my husband to come to bed with me last night, he rushes me off because he's "SO" into this show that had 12 minutes left.  Comes to bed at 0335 this morning reeking of beer, and proceeds to throw up for an hour.  I ask him "You're JUST now coming to bed?" and he responds "yeah I fell asleep on the couch".  Wanna know what REALLY happen?  He rushed me off to bed to play COD guilt free.  YET again leaving me alone all night long.  Proceeds to drink way too much beer, that we didn't even have the money for int he first place, and play call of duty for 5.5 hours.  Pretty awesome, huh?  So I wake him up this morning after he PROMISED to get up  with the boys this morning.  Wyatt and Clayton are standing on the side of the bed bawling, while CJ is covered in diarrhea. So even though he was supposed to get up with them, I put Wyatt in the spare bed, and get CJ all cleaned up and changed, strip his bed and take it all downstairs, after putting him into his brother's bed.  Once I'm all done I walk into the bedroom and shake Nate's leg over and over, also ripping off the covers, while I inform him I KNOW he lied.  I proceed to pour out my feelings, bawling my eyes out, explaining how I have been feeling, and how he hasn't been here for the family emotionally at all and physically only part in months.  His response??  NOTHING!!!  I asked him, what do you have to say for yourself?  NOTHING!!!  What do you want?  NOTHING!  He told me to pack up myself and the boys and move back to Washington on Payday.  Well, sorry buddy, it's not that easy!

I don't know what do to anymore.  I am hurting SO bad!!!  I feel physically ill.  I am coming down with a TERRIBLE cold and feel like crap but he doesn't care.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks.  I don't even know what to feel anymore.   My heart hurts so bad.  I don't know where to do.


See, this is why no one wants to really know what's going on in my life, because they wouldn't even know what to say.  I don't need your pity.  But when I say I'm "okay" it's because it hurts too much to tell what's really going on, not to mention it's too hard.


If you are reading this and you really shouldn't be, this is a very very sensitive subject, and you should be mature enough to let that be.  Let me have my life, or what's left of it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Struggles Post Deployment

Many of you may know, and some may not, that the deployment that we recently finished was a hard one.  It was our first, and I hadn't prepared myself for the stresses it would put on my marriage and our family.  We went through some trials, tears, forgiveness, questioning, fear, excitement, and many other emotions.  NOTHING had prepared either of us for the repercussion that we would face once it was over and my husband was home.

We've since had to face PTSD in the face and many of the side effects of it.  Chronic insomnia, severe depression, nightmares, withdrawal/numbness, etc.  All of these are connected to PTSD.  All of these things are adversely affecting my marriage.  Does the Army care?  I don't think so.  I honestly think that my husband is slipping through the cracks.

Knowing full well that all of the things my husband is dealing with are hard, and not his fault.  I often find myself so angry that I say things I shouldn't say, saying things that are hurtful and mean...and when I receive NO response in return, I get furious.  I am tired!  I am tired of putting myself last.

For example, this morning when my husband came home from PT we watched two episodes of Boy Meets World.  Though he slept through them both on the couch.  I then asked him if he could please wake up and watch the boys so that I could get a shower, as today is day three without one.  But he couldn't stay awake.  So I washed my hair in the sink, followed back rubbing down with a hot wash cloth to feel somewhat refreshed.  I was so upset, slamming things around.  Then feeling full of guilt myself.  It's not his fault.  Yet, I still can't find compassion or graciousness in my heart.  I have prayed and pleaded to God to please change my heart about this.

I am trying to hold faith that the Army will Medically Discharge him and we can move home.  I know that we would have such a better life outside of the stresses of the Military.  We could both go to school.  He could focus strictly on school and getting better.  We would be surrounded by family that would be there to help us when we fall.

I have found that anger is one of my MAJOR weakness'.  I need help with that, I NEED help with out to deal with a spouse with PTSD.  I don't know what I am doing.  I love my husband with everything in my being, and I just want to see him happy.  I want to see him full of spirit and livelihood.  I want him to love life again.

I don't know how much longer I can go on with him sleeping every spare moment in the day, spending hours and hours playing war games on the xbox, entirely avoiding me.  I have a HUGE void in my life, I feel empty. I know that I can't blame him, even when that would be so easy for me to do...and in anger I have.

Please, I could use so many prayers that God will guide me in how to deal with this.  Also that we would be able to see an end in his Army career.  He himself (who once said he was a lifer) has said that he's done with it.  He wants out, he's worn out, he feels aged.  He's paid his dues and it's time to move on.  BUT he needs to get a medical discharge so that the VA can provide him with the benefits that he needs to continue therapy and other things to help him.

I just wish that I had been prepared for this, and educated in how to understand, help, and deal.  If you feel that I am heartless, or vicious than so be it.  I'm not, but I won't lie, I haven't been nice at times.  It would be so easy for me to give up and leave, but I won't!!  I want to help him, but I need help too.  Why?  Why do I have to be so prideful.  This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, as I'm typically a very private person... but I am breaking.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Excerpt from "Power of a Praying Parent" in my words.



Even those of us who aren’t worriers can agree that there are times when we struggle with thoughts about our children’s safety.  Stormie says “Often our most urgent and fervent prayers regarding our children are for their protection. It’s hard to think about other aspects of their lives if we are worried sick over their personal safety. How can we pray about future events when we’re concerned about them even having a future?” She goes on to say “Being a praying parent doesn’t mean that nothing bad will ever happen to your children or that they will never experience pain. They will, because pain is a part of life in this fallen world. But the Bible assures us that our prayers play a vital part in keeping trouble from them. And when a painful things does happen, they will be protected in the midst of it so it will be to their betterment and not their destruction.”  I know that I am a worry wart, always have been (ask my Dad).  I know I only want what's best for my boys.  I have to realize that I cannot protect them forever, and that I need to place them in God's hands and trust that he will when I can't.  I can pray for myself that God will direct me and show me the ways to be the best parent that I can be, to instill important value's and moral's. I want them to be Christ-like, to live with compassion, to strive to keep forgiveness and understanding in their hearts, to have hearts like a servant.  Some people would say that I may put too much thought into this, or that I try to put them in a bubble.  That may be their opinion, but I'm just trying to due my duty as being the Mother that God has intended me to be.
~ Prayer ~
Lord,
I lift (Wyatt and Clayton) up to You and ask that You would put a hedge of protection around them. Protect their spirit, body, mind, and emotions from any kind of evil or harm. I pray especially for protection from accidents, disease, injury, or any other physical, mental, or emotional abuse. I pray that they will make their refuge “in the shadow of Your wings” until “these calamities have passed by” (Psalm 57:1). Hide them from any kind of evil influences that would come against them. Keep them safe from any hidden dangers and let no weapon formed against them be able to prosper. Thank you, Lord, for Your many promises of protection. Help them to walk in Your ways and in obedience to Your will so that they never come out from under the umbrella of that protection.  Keep them safe in all they do and wherever they go. In Jesus’ name, I pray.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

It's the little things...

I'm sitting here late on a Saturday night going back and forth from my computer to the laundry room, and I suddenly think of something that I overly thankful for, that most take for granted, haha.  So here is a list of some little things that I am thankful for when more often than not I seem to complain.  They are in no particular order.

My husband-tonight I was craving some fruity candy and a Dr. Pepper (I RARELY drink soda).  And since I can't see well do drive at night (due to a WAY expired contact prescription) he offered to drive to the shoppette at 10:30pm to get them for me. I could go on for days on all of the things he does for me and our family, he is a great Daddy and a wonderful husband.  I consider myself blessed.

My washer and dryer-this may sounds really silly-when we moved to Colorado 2.5 years ago we left our washer and dryer in Washington knowing that the apartment we were moving to did not have hookups.  We hauled laundry back and forth quite a ways to the laundry room and payed $2.50 for each load we did for 2.5 years. Through the rain/snow/ice/heat, and late and night for me when Nathan was deployed.  So having my own washer and dryer in my house and only having to haul it from the upstairs to the down, is such a blessing.

My Mom-she is the most beautiful, compassionate, caring, loving woman that I have ever met.  She has done so much for me.  I mean she has always been there for me.  She's always praying for me and thinking about me. She always knows when I need a pep talk or a laugh.  She's never judged me, even when I've strayed.  She believes in me, even when I don't.  She knows me better than anyone will.  I only hope that I can live be to like her.  I only hope that once day I can repay her.  She is the type of person who would give you her last dollar, or the coat of her back if you needed it.  She is one of my hero's.  I love you Mama!

My boys-even on my darkest days they bring smiles to my face and a giggle in my throat.  I could not have asked God for a better gift then them.  I tend to be an emotional person, I get aggravated easily and I often have bad days, but no matter how much I may get frustrated with them, they make me smile.  It's all in the little things they do.  I could go on for days about them.  I love than more than I thought I could ever love another person. They are my sunshine!

My Dad-though we don't talk often, he ALWAYS knows when I need HIM to call.  We have this connection and everytime that I need that call from my Daddy my phone rings and he says, "You were on my heart tonight sweetheart and __________".  Always perfect timing.  Though we may often disagree on a variety of things, and we may not see eye to eye, he loves me and he'll never fail me.  He's been the backbone for our family, and he has nothing but my best interest at heart.  I only wish when I was younger that I would have taken him more seriously.  Yes, Dad, you were right!  I love you from the bottom of my heart!  <3

My Brother and Sister-for always being there for me.  For always forgiving me and understanding me.  I can't express how thankful I am to have such a close connection with you two, even still from so far away.  I love you both so much and I don't know what I'd do with out you in my life!

It's getting late, there are countless things I am thankful for, I really am a blessed woman!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Walk By Faith-I'm coming back to you!

Luke 6:35-38;42


But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ... How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. 


My heart has been heavy over the last few weeks.  Knowing that I need a change in my life.  Knowing that I'm not satisfied with the ways I'd been living.  I need to live my life in the way that God has called me to live.  To live by grace, to live by forgiveness, to live by FAITH, to live by compassion.  

In the past I have judged, I have gossiped, I have lied, I have embellished the truth, I have done many things that I am not proud of.  Those things do not define me.  I have asked God's forgiveness and I have forgiven myself.  You can not say anything to me that will hurt me.  You have no hold over me.  I have forgiven you, for all of the slanderous things you have said to me, for all of the lies, for all of the gossip, for all of the assumptions.

It feels like a weight of 1,000 pounds has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I know who I am, I am a child of God.  I know what I feel in my heart.  I truly feel sorry for those you can't experience life in the way that God has intended for them.  I feel sorry for those that get so enthralled and wrapped up in gossip and trash talking.  But my life has been so peaceful since I have ridded it.

It's been a hard road, and it will continue to be a hard road.  It's not easy to live by faith.  But something has been missing from my life since I walked away from Christ over five years ago.  I'm finding myself more at peace, not as easily hurt by others.  Part of that is the guard I've place over my emotions, not allowing myself to get close enough to get hurt.  I won't lie, I'm a little bit afraid.  But God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me, and I will have faith that he has only the best of plans for my life.  I will live for him, and pray for the strength to keep going, the strength to not give into the temptations of evil.

I will pray for my enemies, that they will see the light, that they will be able to find peace in their own lives.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Summer is winding down.

I have been so blessed this summer <3  My husband returned home from a year long tour in Afghanistan and our family has become whole again.  Aside from that his battle buddy, one of his best friends, and my sister’s boyfriend came home as well.  I was blessed to be able to spend the entire summer with my sister as she came down here to reconnect with her boyfriend.  I’d grown to love him as a brother, the boys became very attached to him, and we are happy to call him family.
Two days ago we sent my sister back to Washington as she’s gearing up for her second year of college.  It was a very emotional time.  My sister is one of my best friends, and after being apart for so long we were able to reconnect on a deeper level.  It was so hard to say goodbye.  Tears flowed from both of our eyes, knowing that the next time we would be able to see each other again is unknown.  That’s the joys of a military lifestyle, along with the economy.  You can’t just up and take vacation whenever you want.  I miss her terribly.  The boys are confused and sad.
Today we said goodbye to Kilby.  I had only just met him when they returned from Afghanistan.  Although my sister had already been able to spend R&R with him.  But over the short time of summer, I had grown to love him like a brother.  He truly is one of the best things that has ever happen to my sister.  We were blessed enough to be able to house them for several weeks while he was ETS’ing from the Army (for you civilians that means he was getting out).  I was able to keep composed enough to say my goodbyes, can’t say that Wyatt was able to do the same.  But I completely lost it after he closed the door and we watched him get in the car and pull away, surprisingly so.  I hadn’t expected to be filled with such emotion.
My family is my life.  They mean more to me than anything.  It’s been a really rough few years as we’ve raised our family 19 hours away from “home”.  I often find myself envious of those you have their families so close.  I long for that.  I’ve often found myself hating this military lifestyle for those said reasons.  We’ve toyed with idea’s of future Army Posts we’d like to be stationed at, but after this last week, I think we are going to follow through and request Fort Lewis after all.  It won’t be for a few years yet, and the move wouldn’t happen until some time in 2013, but I think that all in all it will be the best decision we can make for our family right now.  We will be only a few hours from our families.  It’s so hard to watch my son cry because he’s sad that his Auntie, Uncle, or Grandparent has to leave.  It’s as if they really have this awesome chance to get to know each other better, and bond closely and then it’s ripped away from them when they leave, or our time visiting is up.  It truly breaks my heart.  I remember growing up and going to all sorts of birthdays and family events and it saddens me that my boys miss out on those special memories.  At least if we are close to home we can visit often and vice versa, be home for all holidays, and multiple weekends a year.  We dreamed of traveling around with the Army, but deep in my heart I think that these years are some of the most important in our children’s lives, and I think that being near family would be the best decision in order to build a strong foundation for them.  Once they are older and fully understand, have built great relationships with their grandparents, aunts, and uncles, then I will feel more comfortable traveling farther away.
This life is no joke, I don’t take anything for granted anymore.  Hold those close to you tightly!  Appreciate the time you have and make it worthwhile

Wish I could turn back time.

I am not sure where to start.
After being in labor with my oldest son for 9 hours I felt that it was time. I remember calling for the nurse and telling her I felt a lot of pressure and I felt like I might need to push. The next thing I remember is hearing, “I feel two butt cheeks”, I instantly knew what that meant. A c section had NEVER been an option for me, ever! I remember then doing a sonagram to verify and then the hussle and bussle of getting me to the operating room. I was absolutely devastated. I sobbed and sobbed, hyperventilating! I just wanted to experience a birth the way it was supposed to happen. Why did I have to be robbed of that? It took months for me to try and move past that feeling of a failure. I’d failed myself, failed my son, and robbed my husband of the experience of coaching me through labor. We’d taken all the classed, we’d prepared for this, and then BOOM! You can never know how this feels unless you have been in that position. On top of that, I was in excruciating pain from the 9 hour labor, and then the major surgery, that I was unable to nurse my baby boy due to the pain. It was more than I could bare. Again, bottle feeding hadn’t been an option for me. We hadn’t prepared in the event I wouldn’t be able to nurse, I hadn’t even thought about that. We hadn’t bought any bottles or formula. Again, feeling like a failure. It stings, and is a very sensitive subject for me.
On to our youngest son. My husband had enlisted in the Army when our oldest was 2 months old, and we’d since moved from WA to CO. 19 hours away from our family and friends. I got pregnant, assuming I’d be able to do a VBAC. They were completely for it, but refused to induce me. I understand the “risks” of inducing after a c section, but I was a good candidate for it. We had one friend who was able to afford to travel here for a few days to keep our oldest while I had the baby, but needed to know when it would be. I BEGGED and PLEADED the doctor to induce me on the date they would schedule the c section instead. I did NOT want to have to have another one. I was put to sleep with our oldest and missed the entire thing, the thought of laying on that table awake terrified me, and rightfully so. So since our only other choice was to have my husband miss our chance of having a vaginal birth due to staying at home with our son, we elected to schedule a c section. I was completely let down, again the sting of feeling like a failure. I felt we had no other choice.
When I read comments like electing to have a c section, you should just not have children, hurts me to the core. It surfaces all of those raw emotions in me once again. The ones I worked so hard to bury.
I just hope and pray that when we are able to have baby #3, that I will be able to afford to get my prenatal care off post, and that I will be able to find a midwife to allow me to have a vaginal birth. I want to experience that amazing moment that I was robbed of. I also want to try my best to nurse, and to take advantage of the la leche coaches at the hospital. I really want to do things differently. On the other hand, I feel like my older boys were robbed. Will they feel like I love and care about baby #3′s well being more than I did them?
Just needed to get this out…

Friday, September 3, 2010

Hitting the Books!

One month from today and I will be a full time online student!  Yikes!!  I'm sitting here during my only "ME" time during the day thinking, "Am I CRAZY or something for thinking I could go back to school???".  I'm scared to death!!


I'll be going to Colorado Technical University, full time online, as I just can't afford to put the boys in daycare while I attend classes all day long, nor do I have the extra vehicle to do so.  =/  This whole idea of taking college courses online scares me to death.  Normally I am one who needs to hear the lecture in person, etc.  I've prepared myself to be fully dedicated.

My educational plan?  I'm going for my Associates of Science-Business Administration.  I will graduate on March 28th, 2012!!!  I will immediately go into my Bachelor's of Science-Business Administration with a concentration in Healthcare Management, once I graduate with that I'm going the extra 13 months and getting my Masters!  Yeah, go me!!  I'm gonna need my Master's in order to get a high enough position to pay for these godforsaken student loans!  =(  I just hope and pray that in the end it will all be worth it.

Needless to say, I am overwhelmed.  I am a stay at home mom which is the equivalent of 3 full time jobs, a housewife, a full time job on it's own, and NOW a full time student??  Lord be with me!!!  I'm gonna need it!

Pass me the Coffee!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Oh the joys of potty training!

Wyatt, my oldest, turned 3 at the beginning of this month.  We had JUST moved, and had my sister and boyfriend staying with us.  Once they had left, a few weeks later, we'd decided potty training is a must!  So a week ago today Nathan had the day off from work.  I had decided that would be the day we'd hit it full force!  A few days prior we'd boughten him some treats that he would get as a reward for going pee in the potty.  He seemed to understand the concept.  Friday morning arrived and we started right away!  Pull up off and in the trash first thing in the morning and our first attempt at pee'ing in the potty begin!  The majority of that day was mostly familiarizing him with the potty and lots of practicing, accompanied by a few accidents, to be expected.  By dinner time he'd gotten it down pat.  He went in the bathroom all by himself and pee'd for the first time!!!!!!!  He was so excited as were daddy and I!  He'd worked all day long for that treat, and he was certainly proud of himself for what he'd accomplished.

Through out this week, we've had several accidents, several nights with dry pull ups, and several naps with dry pull ups, and worn underwear during all waking hours.  He's had a couple days where he was just, well lets say, not in the mood, but for the most part he's been making a ton of progress.  He's getting TONS of praise, lots of high fives, and of course his hard earned treats.

Yesterday, he actually EMPTIED his bladder two different times!!!  I was so ecstatic as was he.  "Look Mama, I pee'd whole bunch!!!".  All the other times he'd just pee a small bit, enough to have him dump in the toilet, but not empty his bladder.  It was a HUGE step in this potty training journey!

Tonight we are going to try having him go to bed in underwear in place of a pull up.  I'm a bit nervous, but he's had a least four days where he's woken with a dry pull up.  So here's to hoping we'll wake up to no accidents, but we are prepared for there to be a wet and unhappy little boy in the morning.

I'm such a proud Mama, this hasn't been nearly as hard as I'd prepared for.  The key is waiting for the signals from your child that he/she is ready.  Also being very patient, and open to figuring out what works for your child.  I don't think that there is any right or wrong age to try and start potty training.  But take it from a Mama to tried too early at first.  Keep close watch for queues from your child.  Wyatt let us know he was ready in his own way, and it's really been a lot easier sailing now that we'd waited.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

What I have learned about Infertility...

I received the best news today! My best friend in the whole world (besides my siblings) finally got her referral to see an infertility specialist! Her and her husbands dream is to be able to bring their own baby into this world. Unfortunately she is unable to become pregnant on her own, something most of us often take for granted. The ability to carry children without aid of doctors. Too many times I prayed to God, why did this have to happen to HER? She of all people deserves to have such a heavenly blessing. I continue to firmly believe that she will be able to get pregnant <3 I am ecstatic about her referral, and I KNOW this will happen for them! I wish I could be there with her during this time. I have been blessed with two beautiful boys. I love them more than life itself. I would die for them. I don’t know what I would do without them. It breaks my heart to know that there are so many couples out there that struggle for weeks/months/and YEARS with this thing called infertility. The un-ability to get pregnant on their own. I honestly didn’t really know about infertility until the last couple of years, was completely uneducated on the issue, and certainly did not know that it plagued so many women. It’s tragic, it’s not fair at all! I often wonder why God does that, why does he allow women who in my opinion (flame away) don’t deserve to have children, or continue to have baby after baby to live on welfare, abuse the system, and collect tax deductions, when so many out there who desperately want to bring even just ONE precious bundle into the world, can’t. How can a fair God, call THAT fair? So many times I find myself feeling guilty for posting things on facebook about being a Mom, or texting my bff to tell her what wonderful things the boys are doing, and how they are growing. I know that she loves the boys, and they are her nephews, but that doesn’t take the guilt away that I often feel. She has a lot on her plate right now, and I feel like that’s probably the last thing she (or anyone dealing with infertility) wants to hear. It really truly breaks my heart. It’s hard to know what to say, or what not to say. I just want to be as supportive as I can be! Many women will never know what it feels like to feel their baby in their womb, to feel their movements, their kicks, their hiccups. To hear their heart beats, and to experience childbirth, something most often feared. I wish there was such thing as a cure for infertility. But unfortunately there is not. All we can do is continue to keep faith and pray. Though bff and I cannot be in the same physical location right now, my heart and all of my support is with her <3 I continue every day to send up prayers! I’m believing, and trying myself to understand what she is going through, even though I will never be able to fully understand. I love her very much, and would do anything in my power to make it happen for her if the ability was mine. She is going to be a wonderful Mommy! And I can’t wait to see her baby bump, and hold my neice/nephew when the time comes. I love you S!!! I found this poem on a random site today, that brought tears streaming down my face. My you who are reading this will have a little better understanding on how it feels to be infertile.



A Mom Wannabe
By Alison Kathleen Whitney
I want to be a Mom. But I can’t. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe.
I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my
husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion,
in the way God intended. But I can’t.
I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a
pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry
tears of joy for the news we’d discovered. But I can’t. Instead, I cry
tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.
I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire.
I want the “pregnant glow”. I want to have my husband talk to my belly.
But I can’t. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don’t buy clearance
clothes for next year, “just in case”. I try to keep my emotions from
going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.
I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to
schedule my first doctor’s visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with
other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can’t.
Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving.
I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I
smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I’ve never
met.
I want to hear the doctor say “You’re Pregnant. Your progress is right
on schedule.” But I can’t. I want to surprise my parents with a new
grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want
my life to change overnight. I want to read “What to Expect When You’re
Expecting”. But I can’t. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my
life hasn’t changed in years. I read “When Empty Arms become a Heavy
Burden”.
I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to
hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the
kicks, but I can’t. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof
our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to
shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby’s future. Instead, I
imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in
the mall. We spend our money on doctor’s appointments, tests and
high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an
empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.
I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to
compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But
I can’t. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their
bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a
good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in
front of my eyes.
I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions.
I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the
waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the
cry. But I can’t. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry.
Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever
imagined.
I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our
faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking “We did it”,
but knowing that God did it. But I can’t. Instead, I hold my husband in
my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what
God’s plan is for us and why we have to go through this.
I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And
I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He
answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray
that someday soon He will give it to us.
I want to be a mom, but I can’t. Instead, I am right where God wants me
to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in
His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in
status…
From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

About to lose my mind...

I am a full time mommy and housewife. My duties are to take care of my children from dawn until dusk with no break, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. I also cook, clean, do laundry, and maintain my home, again every single day with no relent. My boys wake up no later than 6 am every single day. So I rise, and fight to get the dog outside before he has an accident in my house, because the boys refuse to keep him in his crate until I let him out. I throw my unbrushed and unwashed hair into a pony tail, and make the boys their breakfast. Once I know that they are satisfied and eating, I begin my daily routine of chores, never ending, never with break...oh and a shower? What's that? What's a hair cut? Or even a girls day out?

You may think, "well that sounds like what I do every day, what's the big deal?" Let me tell you. With Fibromayalgia, I am in so much much pain every moment of my life. It's hard to move, hard to walk, hard to get out of bed, hard to do my chores, hard to lift my children. It causes excruciating pain. There is not one pain pill out there that eases the pain caused by Fribro. Every part of my body hurts, but I go about my day applying my poker face, pretending and wondering what it would be like to be normal. I don't think that anyone can ever understand what I go through on a daily basis. Why I am so exhausted, why I have troubles remembering things. Not to mention the fact that I am burnt out. I just finished being a single parent for a year during my husband's tour in Afghanistan, but I often daily feel as though I still am. I am the only one to wake up at 0600 with them, the only one to make their meals, take them outside to play, etc. My husband has to work 5 days a week on average with weekends off, I have no days off, I have no 4 days or 3 day weekends, I have no holidays off, I work every single day of my life with NO BREAK!!!! I just want a break, I am in physical pain, emotionally drained, and have no inspiration. I am tired, in every single meaning of the work.

I don't think my husband has the slightest clue what I go through, nor how straining it is on a daily basis to take care of our boys and our home. This morning I had a huge break down. I was really hoping that since he didn't have to report to work until 0930 that just MAYBE I might be able to have one day to sleep in, but nope! So up I get, fighting the dog again to go outside, then cleaning the piddle spots left by the dog because he wouldn't go outside and I had to pick him up, then on to my daily duties.

Some days I'd love to run away from my life. I often wonder what it's like for those parents who are healthy, who have help at their beck and call, who don't have a husband who's duty is to his country before his family. I can't tell you how DEEPLY it angers me when other's complain about such trivial things in life. Please, take one day and walk in my shoes, I can assure you that you will be ever so thankful for what you have.

Signed,
A Mommy and a Wife who's about to lose her mind...and who'd love nothing more than a break and a cure for Fibromyalgia!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Happy Independence Day!

Tomorrow we celebrate our Nation's birthday. While it's typically my favorite holiday of all time, this year it's just kind of blah. The hubby and I's BFF's are home on leave, and so it's just us and the boys this year. It's just kind of depressing not really having any friends around. We've got several acquiantences, but not really and true friends. Makes things pretty lonely around here. Never thought I'd say I wish we could be back in WA, but at least we'd have family to celebrate with. Just one of the hurdles we have living the Army life. I'm not super out going because I'm shy, so I find it hard to make friends. I've had lots of people here who I thought were good friends over the last two years we've lived here, but the majority of them ended up being fake, while the other's moved away to new duty stations. Normally we'd have a get together, grill out, have some drinks, and a generally good time. I guess I'm just not feeling all of the festivities this year. We did, however, take the boys on post and parked the car so we could get out and watch the fireworks show. Wyatt absolutely LOVED it! Wish we could have had some company, but nonetheless, it was fun to watch. Tomorrow we are bbq'ing some chicken and maybe hitting the pool depending on how many people are in it. I guess this turned into more of a pity party, but better I get it out than to dwell on my loneliness. I wish you all a very happy, fun, and SAFE Independence Day! Happy birthday, United States of America!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

So, I am a little behind times, but I have officially joined the world of blogging. Hoping that here I can vent, brag, and just share my journey through the daily life as a mommy and wife. I have a wonderful husband who serves as an active duty soldier in the U.S. Army. I couldn't be any more proud of the sacrifice, he has made for our family. Albeit a hard life, it is just as rewarding. We have two amazing little boys. Wyatt who will be 3 in just over a month, and Clayton (Cj) who is 15 months old. They are our life, our pride and joy. I hope that you will enjoy reading my blog and learning about my little piece of this world.