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Monday, April 2, 2012

Deployment Confession # 23476515

Today I was required to attend the Fort Carson Garrison Council Meeting.  So that meant leaving all three of my babies at childcare while I was gone.  My older two (boys ages 4.5 and 3) have been to hourly care several times, but I hadn't taken them until last month.  Well, I had to leave my 8 month old daughter at day care for the very first time.

I had never left my boys at day care that young.  In fact, like I stated, they had never been until last month.  Poor Alliebug has been dealing with separation anxiety since my husband deployed.  If we are not home (and I'm not with her) she refuses to eat, nap, and cries non-stop.  I was so anxious about leaving her for fear she would just scream the entire time.  My poor baby girl needs her mama (or this is my thinking!).

So I drop the boys off in their classroom and walk down to the other end of the facility to drop her off, for the first time.  After I have labeled and put her things up and signed her in, I had to let her go.  I took a minute to snuggle next to her, kiss her cheeks, the top of her head, and whisper to her that mommy would be right back and that she would be okay.  As  I set her down, I kiss her one last time-and then it happens!  The TEARS!  I'm bawling my eyes out as I stand back up.  I was so humiliated.  I had not expected to cry.  I have left her with close friends before and I was fine.  This was different.  I was leaving my baby girl with strangers, albeit trained strangers, but still strangers.

As I went back out to my car, drying my eyes, I was reflecting on the sacrifices my husband has had to make regarding our children.  I couldn't help but feel guilty and a little bit selfish.


When Wyatt was 2 months old Nathan left for Basic Training and AIT.  When Wyatt was 16 months old he left for JRTC.  When CJ was 2 months old he left for his first deployment.  In between all of these he's also been gone for weeks on end on FTX's (field training exercises), etc.  And now he's had to say good bye to all 3 of our babies AGAIN for his second deployment.  As a mother, I could not imagine leaving my kids for any length of time, let alone almost an entire year.

What an incredibly strong person it takes to answer the call of duty and leave behind the strings of your heart. I could barely leave my baby for 2.5 hours, how in the world do our Military leave their children behind for months/years at a time?

I have the utmost respect for our Military and the sacrifices they make (great and small).  I couldn't do it.  So to those of you that do, thank you!  And please forgive me for being selfish.

xoxo