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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wish I could turn back time.

I am not sure where to start.
After being in labor with my oldest son for 9 hours I felt that it was time. I remember calling for the nurse and telling her I felt a lot of pressure and I felt like I might need to push. The next thing I remember is hearing, “I feel two butt cheeks”, I instantly knew what that meant. A c section had NEVER been an option for me, ever! I remember then doing a sonagram to verify and then the hussle and bussle of getting me to the operating room. I was absolutely devastated. I sobbed and sobbed, hyperventilating! I just wanted to experience a birth the way it was supposed to happen. Why did I have to be robbed of that? It took months for me to try and move past that feeling of a failure. I’d failed myself, failed my son, and robbed my husband of the experience of coaching me through labor. We’d taken all the classed, we’d prepared for this, and then BOOM! You can never know how this feels unless you have been in that position. On top of that, I was in excruciating pain from the 9 hour labor, and then the major surgery, that I was unable to nurse my baby boy due to the pain. It was more than I could bare. Again, bottle feeding hadn’t been an option for me. We hadn’t prepared in the event I wouldn’t be able to nurse, I hadn’t even thought about that. We hadn’t bought any bottles or formula. Again, feeling like a failure. It stings, and is a very sensitive subject for me.
On to our youngest son. My husband had enlisted in the Army when our oldest was 2 months old, and we’d since moved from WA to CO. 19 hours away from our family and friends. I got pregnant, assuming I’d be able to do a VBAC. They were completely for it, but refused to induce me. I understand the “risks” of inducing after a c section, but I was a good candidate for it. We had one friend who was able to afford to travel here for a few days to keep our oldest while I had the baby, but needed to know when it would be. I BEGGED and PLEADED the doctor to induce me on the date they would schedule the c section instead. I did NOT want to have to have another one. I was put to sleep with our oldest and missed the entire thing, the thought of laying on that table awake terrified me, and rightfully so. So since our only other choice was to have my husband miss our chance of having a vaginal birth due to staying at home with our son, we elected to schedule a c section. I was completely let down, again the sting of feeling like a failure. I felt we had no other choice.
When I read comments like electing to have a c section, you should just not have children, hurts me to the core. It surfaces all of those raw emotions in me once again. The ones I worked so hard to bury.
I just hope and pray that when we are able to have baby #3, that I will be able to afford to get my prenatal care off post, and that I will be able to find a midwife to allow me to have a vaginal birth. I want to experience that amazing moment that I was robbed of. I also want to try my best to nurse, and to take advantage of the la leche coaches at the hospital. I really want to do things differently. On the other hand, I feel like my older boys were robbed. Will they feel like I love and care about baby #3′s well being more than I did them?
Just needed to get this out…

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