Welcome Home Handsome

Welcome Home Handsome


Thursday, August 26, 2010

What I have learned about Infertility...

I received the best news today! My best friend in the whole world (besides my siblings) finally got her referral to see an infertility specialist! Her and her husbands dream is to be able to bring their own baby into this world. Unfortunately she is unable to become pregnant on her own, something most of us often take for granted. The ability to carry children without aid of doctors. Too many times I prayed to God, why did this have to happen to HER? She of all people deserves to have such a heavenly blessing. I continue to firmly believe that she will be able to get pregnant <3 I am ecstatic about her referral, and I KNOW this will happen for them! I wish I could be there with her during this time. I have been blessed with two beautiful boys. I love them more than life itself. I would die for them. I don’t know what I would do without them. It breaks my heart to know that there are so many couples out there that struggle for weeks/months/and YEARS with this thing called infertility. The un-ability to get pregnant on their own. I honestly didn’t really know about infertility until the last couple of years, was completely uneducated on the issue, and certainly did not know that it plagued so many women. It’s tragic, it’s not fair at all! I often wonder why God does that, why does he allow women who in my opinion (flame away) don’t deserve to have children, or continue to have baby after baby to live on welfare, abuse the system, and collect tax deductions, when so many out there who desperately want to bring even just ONE precious bundle into the world, can’t. How can a fair God, call THAT fair? So many times I find myself feeling guilty for posting things on facebook about being a Mom, or texting my bff to tell her what wonderful things the boys are doing, and how they are growing. I know that she loves the boys, and they are her nephews, but that doesn’t take the guilt away that I often feel. She has a lot on her plate right now, and I feel like that’s probably the last thing she (or anyone dealing with infertility) wants to hear. It really truly breaks my heart. It’s hard to know what to say, or what not to say. I just want to be as supportive as I can be! Many women will never know what it feels like to feel their baby in their womb, to feel their movements, their kicks, their hiccups. To hear their heart beats, and to experience childbirth, something most often feared. I wish there was such thing as a cure for infertility. But unfortunately there is not. All we can do is continue to keep faith and pray. Though bff and I cannot be in the same physical location right now, my heart and all of my support is with her <3 I continue every day to send up prayers! I’m believing, and trying myself to understand what she is going through, even though I will never be able to fully understand. I love her very much, and would do anything in my power to make it happen for her if the ability was mine. She is going to be a wonderful Mommy! And I can’t wait to see her baby bump, and hold my neice/nephew when the time comes. I love you S!!! I found this poem on a random site today, that brought tears streaming down my face. My you who are reading this will have a little better understanding on how it feels to be infertile.

A Mom Wannabe
By Alison Kathleen Whitney
I want to be a Mom. But I can’t. Instead, I am a Mom Wannabe.
I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child, naturally, with my
husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion,
in the way God intended. But I can’t.
I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a
pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a + sign. I want to cry
tears of joy for the news we’d discovered. But I can’t. Instead, I cry
tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.
I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire.
I want the “pregnant glow”. I want to have my husband talk to my belly.
But I can’t. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don’t buy clearance
clothes for next year, “just in case”. I try to keep my emotions from
going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.
I want to take prenatal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to
schedule my first doctor’s visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with
other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can’t.
Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving.
I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I
smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I’ve never
I want to hear the doctor say “You’re Pregnant. Your progress is right
on schedule.” But I can’t. I want to surprise my parents with a new
grandchild. I want to tell my friends and family our good news. I want
my life to change overnight. I want to read “What to Expect When You’re
Expecting”. But I can’t. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my
life hasn’t changed in years. I read “When Empty Arms become a Heavy
I want to monitor the progress. I want to see ultrasounds. I want to
hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the
kicks, but I can’t. I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof
our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to
shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby’s future. Instead, I
imagine a crib in an empty room down the hall. I avoid baby stores in
the mall. We spend our money on doctor’s appointments, tests and
high-tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an
empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.
I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to
compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But
I can’t. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their
bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a
good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in
front of my eyes.
I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions.
I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the
waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the
cry. But I can’t. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry.
Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever
I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our
faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking “We did it”,
but knowing that God did it. But I can’t. Instead, I hold my husband in
my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wondering what
God’s plan is for us and why we have to go through this.
I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And
I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope this time He
answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray
that someday soon He will give it to us.
I want to be a mom, but I can’t. Instead, I am right where God wants me
to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in
His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in
From a mom wannabe, to the mom I WANT to be.

No comments:

Post a Comment