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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Hurting

After asking my husband to come to bed with me last night, he rushes me off because he's "SO" into this show that had 12 minutes left.  Comes to bed at 0335 this morning reeking of beer, and proceeds to throw up for an hour.  I ask him "You're JUST now coming to bed?" and he responds "yeah I fell asleep on the couch".  Wanna know what REALLY happen?  He rushed me off to bed to play COD guilt free.  YET again leaving me alone all night long.  Proceeds to drink way too much beer, that we didn't even have the money for int he first place, and play call of duty for 5.5 hours.  Pretty awesome, huh?  So I wake him up this morning after he PROMISED to get up  with the boys this morning.  Wyatt and Clayton are standing on the side of the bed bawling, while CJ is covered in diarrhea. So even though he was supposed to get up with them, I put Wyatt in the spare bed, and get CJ all cleaned up and changed, strip his bed and take it all downstairs, after putting him into his brother's bed.  Once I'm all done I walk into the bedroom and shake Nate's leg over and over, also ripping off the covers, while I inform him I KNOW he lied.  I proceed to pour out my feelings, bawling my eyes out, explaining how I have been feeling, and how he hasn't been here for the family emotionally at all and physically only part in months.  His response??  NOTHING!!!  I asked him, what do you have to say for yourself?  NOTHING!!!  What do you want?  NOTHING!  He told me to pack up myself and the boys and move back to Washington on Payday.  Well, sorry buddy, it's not that easy!

I don't know what do to anymore.  I am hurting SO bad!!!  I feel physically ill.  I am coming down with a TERRIBLE cold and feel like crap but he doesn't care.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks.  I don't even know what to feel anymore.   My heart hurts so bad.  I don't know where to do.


See, this is why no one wants to really know what's going on in my life, because they wouldn't even know what to say.  I don't need your pity.  But when I say I'm "okay" it's because it hurts too much to tell what's really going on, not to mention it's too hard.


If you are reading this and you really shouldn't be, this is a very very sensitive subject, and you should be mature enough to let that be.  Let me have my life, or what's left of it.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Struggles Post Deployment

Many of you may know, and some may not, that the deployment that we recently finished was a hard one.  It was our first, and I hadn't prepared myself for the stresses it would put on my marriage and our family.  We went through some trials, tears, forgiveness, questioning, fear, excitement, and many other emotions.  NOTHING had prepared either of us for the repercussion that we would face once it was over and my husband was home.

We've since had to face PTSD in the face and many of the side effects of it.  Chronic insomnia, severe depression, nightmares, withdrawal/numbness, etc.  All of these are connected to PTSD.  All of these things are adversely affecting my marriage.  Does the Army care?  I don't think so.  I honestly think that my husband is slipping through the cracks.

Knowing full well that all of the things my husband is dealing with are hard, and not his fault.  I often find myself so angry that I say things I shouldn't say, saying things that are hurtful and mean...and when I receive NO response in return, I get furious.  I am tired!  I am tired of putting myself last.

For example, this morning when my husband came home from PT we watched two episodes of Boy Meets World.  Though he slept through them both on the couch.  I then asked him if he could please wake up and watch the boys so that I could get a shower, as today is day three without one.  But he couldn't stay awake.  So I washed my hair in the sink, followed back rubbing down with a hot wash cloth to feel somewhat refreshed.  I was so upset, slamming things around.  Then feeling full of guilt myself.  It's not his fault.  Yet, I still can't find compassion or graciousness in my heart.  I have prayed and pleaded to God to please change my heart about this.

I am trying to hold faith that the Army will Medically Discharge him and we can move home.  I know that we would have such a better life outside of the stresses of the Military.  We could both go to school.  He could focus strictly on school and getting better.  We would be surrounded by family that would be there to help us when we fall.

I have found that anger is one of my MAJOR weakness'.  I need help with that, I NEED help with out to deal with a spouse with PTSD.  I don't know what I am doing.  I love my husband with everything in my being, and I just want to see him happy.  I want to see him full of spirit and livelihood.  I want him to love life again.

I don't know how much longer I can go on with him sleeping every spare moment in the day, spending hours and hours playing war games on the xbox, entirely avoiding me.  I have a HUGE void in my life, I feel empty. I know that I can't blame him, even when that would be so easy for me to do...and in anger I have.

Please, I could use so many prayers that God will guide me in how to deal with this.  Also that we would be able to see an end in his Army career.  He himself (who once said he was a lifer) has said that he's done with it.  He wants out, he's worn out, he feels aged.  He's paid his dues and it's time to move on.  BUT he needs to get a medical discharge so that the VA can provide him with the benefits that he needs to continue therapy and other things to help him.

I just wish that I had been prepared for this, and educated in how to understand, help, and deal.  If you feel that I am heartless, or vicious than so be it.  I'm not, but I won't lie, I haven't been nice at times.  It would be so easy for me to give up and leave, but I won't!!  I want to help him, but I need help too.  Why?  Why do I have to be so prideful.  This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, as I'm typically a very private person... but I am breaking.