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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I am one lucky girl!

First off, let me thank all of my wonderful family and friends to reached out to me with unconditional love and support in regards to my last blog.  I love you all, and all of the support, prayers, and hugs have meant the world to us.  I also think that I fixed it to where people can now comment on my blogs, lol.

These last few months have hit our family hard from several angles.  Many of you know that we are dealing with Nathan's PTSD and other issues.  We also had it confirmed today from Nathan's new doctor that he does in fact have Narcolepsy .  I'm dealing with my Fibromyalgia.  Our finances have been hit.  Dealing with the Army's BS. The cherry on top would be our recent miscarriage.  I've been down to my deepest point wondering "why me?". Right at the time in my life where I've made a conscience decision to live my life the way that God wishes, or at least trying as humanly possible.

I've come to realize that I'm being tested.  My faith in God is being tested.  Do I really have faith that he has a perfect plan for my/our life?

When I get hit with a trial I tend to get angry and feel sorry for myself.  But now I will hold my head high, believing that everything happens for a reason.  The outcome of a terrible situation can be turned into a lesson.  What do *I* choose to do?  From this moment on, I am going to look at the positives in an awful situation.  What are the blessings in disguise that I should be seeking out of it?  I am striving to live gracefully, and that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to start being creative.  I truly have been blessed.  I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, two amazing little boys who never cease to amaze me, and a wonderful circle of family and friends.

Thank you to everyone who has stood by side, who have helped hold me up when I'm crumbling.

Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Most embarrassing/humbling moment of my life.

Today had went grocery shopping to get us through until the end of the month.  With the holidays coming our budget is super duper tight.  I had a certain amount in cash.  That was the rest of the money we had until December 1st.  That was to get groceries and gas and hopefully have a little bit left to get  us by.  Well, let me explain to you my most embarrassing moment ever.  Please note that if you feel the need to bash me or our money handling, take it elsewhere, I don't care to hear it.  We live by a very strict budget.  If would be be beneficial for me to work, trust me I WOULD!  It's days like today where I hate myself for not being able to contribute to our families needs.

I cut a TON of coupons this morning and went to the grocery store.  With Thanksgiving coming up, and quite a stretch until the next payday I was trying to stock up.  Not only that, but our pantry and freezer are nearly bare.  So I had an over flowing cart full of groceries, buying as many generics as I possibly could.  Completely avoiding all sugars, ice creams, cookies, chips, etc.  Other than a couple of snack items for the boys, all I got were necessities.  Feeling confident that we would have enough to make it, I made my way to the register.

About 3/4 of the way through the items on the belt I noticed that I was about $75 over the amount of cash that I had, remember the cash I had was ALL I had to get groceries and gas and make it through to the end of the month.  So I had to stop the checker and tell her my dilemma as I started picking through all of my already bagged up groceries, holding back tears as I set item after item back for her to take off.  Then I handed her all of my coupons bring me to a balance of $0.50 under the amount of cash I had.  Leaving important items such as toilet paper and diapers behind.  I probably apologized a dozen times before I humbly made my way out to the car.

Once I got home and I had to explain to my husband that our 3 rolls of toilet paper will have to last us the better part of 2.5 weeks, and that I was sorry I didn't have much for us to eat for lunches this time.  I started bawling my eyes out.  If only I could afford to have a job, we wouldn't be in this situation.  I often hear, "well can't you get on food stamps?"  Umm, NO, in fact, we can't get on them.  I stress about grocery shopping every payday, but we typically make it just fine but this time was terrible.  I have NEVER had to put back more than one or two items, not half a cart full.  Boy did I misjudge?  I can't even describe the level of embarrassment I felt today.

Please note, this is MY blog.  This is my place to vent and whine.  My place to let my emotions run free and express my anger.  If you choose to judge me, that's your business, but I don't want to hear it.  I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays.  It just seems that I get buried and I can't come up for a breath until after our tax refund shows up.  Then I can stock the pantry up, pay all of the bills that I've had to put off, etc.  So here's to hoping that February will show up fast.  Maybe this time I will be able to finally fill my savings account to keep this from happening next year.  Where there is a will there's a way.  I'm just so sick of scavenging around my house trying to find things I can sell for items like milk, diapers, and toilet paper or even for gas so that my husband can get to and from work.  God will provide...right?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's that time of year...

...when I sink down and start feeling sorry for myself.  That's what the holiday season does to me when I'm 1400 miles from home.  If I had all the money in the world I would fly them all down here to spend the holidays with us.  Living the Army life is no joke, it's definitely not easy.

It's hard to sit here knowing that family is gearing up for big holiday get togethers, while we will be sitting home alone.  Don't get me wrong, I am blessed.  I have my two wonderful boys, and my husband safe and sound stateside this year.  But it doesn't make it any easier to know we miss out.

I often times feel "forgotten" by most of our families.  I feel that as though we are in Colorado we are "out of sight and out of mind".  I only wish we were close enough to home to be able to hop in the car and visit on a moments notice, but just can't be for us.

What I wouldn't give to be able to close the door on this chapter of our lives and open a new one back home.  Back where we'd be with family.  Where I wouldn't miss out on my Niece being born, or helping my Sissy plan for her wedding (whenever that will happen).  Missing out on having family surround us for birthdays.  I am so very grateful for those very few who have remembered us, mainly the boys while we're apart.  You know who you are, and you are loved and appreciated.

I really don't know why I'm just rambling.  I suppose it's just easier for me to get my feelings out in print rather than sit here and wallow in my own self pity.  Now I will be off, pulling myself up by the boot straps, put my big girl panties on, and make the best out of our unfortunate situation.