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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Hurting

After asking my husband to come to bed with me last night, he rushes me off because he's "SO" into this show that had 12 minutes left.  Comes to bed at 0335 this morning reeking of beer, and proceeds to throw up for an hour.  I ask him "You're JUST now coming to bed?" and he responds "yeah I fell asleep on the couch".  Wanna know what REALLY happen?  He rushed me off to bed to play COD guilt free.  YET again leaving me alone all night long.  Proceeds to drink way too much beer, that we didn't even have the money for int he first place, and play call of duty for 5.5 hours.  Pretty awesome, huh?  So I wake him up this morning after he PROMISED to get up  with the boys this morning.  Wyatt and Clayton are standing on the side of the bed bawling, while CJ is covered in diarrhea. So even though he was supposed to get up with them, I put Wyatt in the spare bed, and get CJ all cleaned up and changed, strip his bed and take it all downstairs, after putting him into his brother's bed.  Once I'm all done I walk into the bedroom and shake Nate's leg over and over, also ripping off the covers, while I inform him I KNOW he lied.  I proceed to pour out my feelings, bawling my eyes out, explaining how I have been feeling, and how he hasn't been here for the family emotionally at all and physically only part in months.  His response??  NOTHING!!!  I asked him, what do you have to say for yourself?  NOTHING!!!  What do you want?  NOTHING!  He told me to pack up myself and the boys and move back to Washington on Payday.  Well, sorry buddy, it's not that easy!

I don't know what do to anymore.  I am hurting SO bad!!!  I feel physically ill.  I am coming down with a TERRIBLE cold and feel like crap but he doesn't care.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks.  I don't even know what to feel anymore.   My heart hurts so bad.  I don't know where to do.


See, this is why no one wants to really know what's going on in my life, because they wouldn't even know what to say.  I don't need your pity.  But when I say I'm "okay" it's because it hurts too much to tell what's really going on, not to mention it's too hard.


If you are reading this and you really shouldn't be, this is a very very sensitive subject, and you should be mature enough to let that be.  Let me have my life, or what's left of it.

1 comment:

  1. I stumbled across this website just a bit ago. Found it to be very eye opening and helpful. I wrote this thread/my newest blog EARLY this morning when I was heated. I am going to call and schedule an appt with my doctor this week and see what my options are and what they advise as far as getting some sort of therapy for me, and someone to help me with his PTSD. I'm also going to email Nathan's therapist and see what she thinks about either meeting with me, or allowing me to come to one of their sessions.

    http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/partners.html

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