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Monday, October 4, 2010

Struggles Post Deployment

Many of you may know, and some may not, that the deployment that we recently finished was a hard one.  It was our first, and I hadn't prepared myself for the stresses it would put on my marriage and our family.  We went through some trials, tears, forgiveness, questioning, fear, excitement, and many other emotions.  NOTHING had prepared either of us for the repercussion that we would face once it was over and my husband was home.

We've since had to face PTSD in the face and many of the side effects of it.  Chronic insomnia, severe depression, nightmares, withdrawal/numbness, etc.  All of these are connected to PTSD.  All of these things are adversely affecting my marriage.  Does the Army care?  I don't think so.  I honestly think that my husband is slipping through the cracks.

Knowing full well that all of the things my husband is dealing with are hard, and not his fault.  I often find myself so angry that I say things I shouldn't say, saying things that are hurtful and mean...and when I receive NO response in return, I get furious.  I am tired!  I am tired of putting myself last.

For example, this morning when my husband came home from PT we watched two episodes of Boy Meets World.  Though he slept through them both on the couch.  I then asked him if he could please wake up and watch the boys so that I could get a shower, as today is day three without one.  But he couldn't stay awake.  So I washed my hair in the sink, followed back rubbing down with a hot wash cloth to feel somewhat refreshed.  I was so upset, slamming things around.  Then feeling full of guilt myself.  It's not his fault.  Yet, I still can't find compassion or graciousness in my heart.  I have prayed and pleaded to God to please change my heart about this.

I am trying to hold faith that the Army will Medically Discharge him and we can move home.  I know that we would have such a better life outside of the stresses of the Military.  We could both go to school.  He could focus strictly on school and getting better.  We would be surrounded by family that would be there to help us when we fall.

I have found that anger is one of my MAJOR weakness'.  I need help with that, I NEED help with out to deal with a spouse with PTSD.  I don't know what I am doing.  I love my husband with everything in my being, and I just want to see him happy.  I want to see him full of spirit and livelihood.  I want him to love life again.

I don't know how much longer I can go on with him sleeping every spare moment in the day, spending hours and hours playing war games on the xbox, entirely avoiding me.  I have a HUGE void in my life, I feel empty. I know that I can't blame him, even when that would be so easy for me to do...and in anger I have.

Please, I could use so many prayers that God will guide me in how to deal with this.  Also that we would be able to see an end in his Army career.  He himself (who once said he was a lifer) has said that he's done with it.  He wants out, he's worn out, he feels aged.  He's paid his dues and it's time to move on.  BUT he needs to get a medical discharge so that the VA can provide him with the benefits that he needs to continue therapy and other things to help him.

I just wish that I had been prepared for this, and educated in how to understand, help, and deal.  If you feel that I am heartless, or vicious than so be it.  I'm not, but I won't lie, I haven't been nice at times.  It would be so easy for me to give up and leave, but I won't!!  I want to help him, but I need help too.  Why?  Why do I have to be so prideful.  This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, as I'm typically a very private person... but I am breaking.

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