Most embarrassing/humbling moment of my life.

Today had went grocery shopping to get us through until the end of the month.  With the holidays coming our budget is super duper tight.  I had a certain amount in cash.  That was the rest of the money we had until December 1st.  That was to get groceries and gas and hopefully have a little bit left to get  us by.  Well, let me explain to you my most embarrassing moment ever.  Please note that if you feel the need to bash me or our money handling, take it elsewhere, I don't care to hear it.  We live by a very strict budget.  If would be be beneficial for me to work, trust me I WOULD!  It's days like today where I hate myself for not being able to contribute to our families needs.

I cut a TON of coupons this morning and went to the grocery store.  With Thanksgiving coming up, and quite a stretch until the next payday I was trying to stock up.  Not only that, but our pantry and freezer are nearly bare.  So I had an over flowing cart full of groceries, buying as many generics as I possibly could.  Completely avoiding all sugars, ice creams, cookies, chips, etc.  Other than a couple of snack items for the boys, all I got were necessities.  Feeling confident that we would have enough to make it, I made my way to the register.

About 3/4 of the way through the items on the belt I noticed that I was about $75 over the amount of cash that I had, remember the cash I had was ALL I had to get groceries and gas and make it through to the end of the month.  So I had to stop the checker and tell her my dilemma as I started picking through all of my already bagged up groceries, holding back tears as I set item after item back for her to take off.  Then I handed her all of my coupons bring me to a balance of $0.50 under the amount of cash I had.  Leaving important items such as toilet paper and diapers behind.  I probably apologized a dozen times before I humbly made my way out to the car.

Once I got home and I had to explain to my husband that our 3 rolls of toilet paper will have to last us the better part of 2.5 weeks, and that I was sorry I didn't have much for us to eat for lunches this time.  I started bawling my eyes out.  If only I could afford to have a job, we wouldn't be in this situation.  I often hear, "well can't you get on food stamps?"  Umm, NO, in fact, we can't get on them.  I stress about grocery shopping every payday, but we typically make it just fine but this time was terrible.  I have NEVER had to put back more than one or two items, not half a cart full.  Boy did I misjudge?  I can't even describe the level of embarrassment I felt today.

Please note, this is MY blog.  This is my place to vent and whine.  My place to let my emotions run free and express my anger.  If you choose to judge me, that's your business, but I don't want to hear it.  I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays.  It just seems that I get buried and I can't come up for a breath until after our tax refund shows up.  Then I can stock the pantry up, pay all of the bills that I've had to put off, etc.  So here's to hoping that February will show up fast.  Maybe this time I will be able to finally fill my savings account to keep this from happening next year.  Where there is a will there's a way.  I'm just so sick of scavenging around my house trying to find things I can sell for items like milk, diapers, and toilet paper or even for gas so that my husband can get to and from work.  God will provide...right?

It's that time of year...

...when I sink down and start feeling sorry for myself.  That's what the holiday season does to me when I'm 1400 miles from home.  If I had all the money in the world I would fly them all down here to spend the holidays with us.  Living the Army life is no joke, it's definitely not easy.

It's hard to sit here knowing that family is gearing up for big holiday get togethers, while we will be sitting home alone.  Don't get me wrong, I am blessed.  I have my two wonderful boys, and my husband safe and sound stateside this year.  But it doesn't make it any easier to know we miss out.

I often times feel "forgotten" by most of our families.  I feel that as though we are in Colorado we are "out of sight and out of mind".  I only wish we were close enough to home to be able to hop in the car and visit on a moments notice, but just can't be for us.

What I wouldn't give to be able to close the door on this chapter of our lives and open a new one back home.  Back where we'd be with family.  Where I wouldn't miss out on my Niece being born, or helping my Sissy plan for her wedding (whenever that will happen).  Missing out on having family surround us for birthdays.  I am so very grateful for those very few who have remembered us, mainly the boys while we're apart.  You know who you are, and you are loved and appreciated.

I really don't know why I'm just rambling.  I suppose it's just easier for me to get my feelings out in print rather than sit here and wallow in my own self pity.  Now I will be off, pulling myself up by the boot straps, put my big girl panties on, and make the best out of our unfortunate situation.

Hurting

After asking my husband to come to bed with me last night, he rushes me off because he's "SO" into this show that had 12 minutes left.  Comes to bed at 0335 this morning reeking of beer, and proceeds to throw up for an hour.  I ask him "You're JUST now coming to bed?" and he responds "yeah I fell asleep on the couch".  Wanna know what REALLY happen?  He rushed me off to bed to play COD guilt free.  YET again leaving me alone all night long.  Proceeds to drink way too much beer, that we didn't even have the money for int he first place, and play call of duty for 5.5 hours.  Pretty awesome, huh?  So I wake him up this morning after he PROMISED to get up  with the boys this morning.  Wyatt and Clayton are standing on the side of the bed bawling, while CJ is covered in diarrhea. So even though he was supposed to get up with them, I put Wyatt in the spare bed, and get CJ all cleaned up and changed, strip his bed and take it all downstairs, after putting him into his brother's bed.  Once I'm all done I walk into the bedroom and shake Nate's leg over and over, also ripping off the covers, while I inform him I KNOW he lied.  I proceed to pour out my feelings, bawling my eyes out, explaining how I have been feeling, and how he hasn't been here for the family emotionally at all and physically only part in months.  His response??  NOTHING!!!  I asked him, what do you have to say for yourself?  NOTHING!!!  What do you want?  NOTHING!  He told me to pack up myself and the boys and move back to Washington on Payday.  Well, sorry buddy, it's not that easy!

I don't know what do to anymore.  I am hurting SO bad!!!  I feel physically ill.  I am coming down with a TERRIBLE cold and feel like crap but he doesn't care.  I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks.  I don't even know what to feel anymore.   My heart hurts so bad.  I don't know where to do.


See, this is why no one wants to really know what's going on in my life, because they wouldn't even know what to say.  I don't need your pity.  But when I say I'm "okay" it's because it hurts too much to tell what's really going on, not to mention it's too hard.


If you are reading this and you really shouldn't be, this is a very very sensitive subject, and you should be mature enough to let that be.  Let me have my life, or what's left of it.

Struggles Post Deployment

Many of you may know, and some may not, that the deployment that we recently finished was a hard one.  It was our first, and I hadn't prepared myself for the stresses it would put on my marriage and our family.  We went through some trials, tears, forgiveness, questioning, fear, excitement, and many other emotions.  NOTHING had prepared either of us for the repercussion that we would face once it was over and my husband was home.

We've since had to face PTSD in the face and many of the side effects of it.  Chronic insomnia, severe depression, nightmares, withdrawal/numbness, etc.  All of these are connected to PTSD.  All of these things are adversely affecting my marriage.  Does the Army care?  I don't think so.  I honestly think that my husband is slipping through the cracks.

Knowing full well that all of the things my husband is dealing with are hard, and not his fault.  I often find myself so angry that I say things I shouldn't say, saying things that are hurtful and mean...and when I receive NO response in return, I get furious.  I am tired!  I am tired of putting myself last.

For example, this morning when my husband came home from PT we watched two episodes of Boy Meets World.  Though he slept through them both on the couch.  I then asked him if he could please wake up and watch the boys so that I could get a shower, as today is day three without one.  But he couldn't stay awake.  So I washed my hair in the sink, followed back rubbing down with a hot wash cloth to feel somewhat refreshed.  I was so upset, slamming things around.  Then feeling full of guilt myself.  It's not his fault.  Yet, I still can't find compassion or graciousness in my heart.  I have prayed and pleaded to God to please change my heart about this.

I am trying to hold faith that the Army will Medically Discharge him and we can move home.  I know that we would have such a better life outside of the stresses of the Military.  We could both go to school.  He could focus strictly on school and getting better.  We would be surrounded by family that would be there to help us when we fall.

I have found that anger is one of my MAJOR weakness'.  I need help with that, I NEED help with out to deal with a spouse with PTSD.  I don't know what I am doing.  I love my husband with everything in my being, and I just want to see him happy.  I want to see him full of spirit and livelihood.  I want him to love life again.

I don't know how much longer I can go on with him sleeping every spare moment in the day, spending hours and hours playing war games on the xbox, entirely avoiding me.  I have a HUGE void in my life, I feel empty. I know that I can't blame him, even when that would be so easy for me to do...and in anger I have.

Please, I could use so many prayers that God will guide me in how to deal with this.  Also that we would be able to see an end in his Army career.  He himself (who once said he was a lifer) has said that he's done with it.  He wants out, he's worn out, he feels aged.  He's paid his dues and it's time to move on.  BUT he needs to get a medical discharge so that the VA can provide him with the benefits that he needs to continue therapy and other things to help him.

I just wish that I had been prepared for this, and educated in how to understand, help, and deal.  If you feel that I am heartless, or vicious than so be it.  I'm not, but I won't lie, I haven't been nice at times.  It would be so easy for me to give up and leave, but I won't!!  I want to help him, but I need help too.  Why?  Why do I have to be so prideful.  This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, as I'm typically a very private person... but I am breaking.

Excerpt from "Power of a Praying Parent" in my words.

Even those of us who aren’t worriers can agree that there are times when we struggle with thoughts about our children’s safety.  Stormie says “Often our most urgent and fervent prayers regarding our children are for their protection. It’s hard to think about other aspects of their lives if we are worried sick over their personal safety. How can we pray about future events when we’re concerned about them even having a future?” She goes on to say “Being a praying parent doesn’t mean that nothing bad will ever happen to your children or that they will never experience pain. They will, because pain is a part of life in this fallen world. But the Bible assures us that our prayers play a vital part in keeping trouble from them. And when a painful things does happen, they will be protected in the midst of it so it will be to their betterment and not their destruction.”  I know that I am a worry wart, always have been (ask my Dad).  I know I only want what's best for my boys.  I have to realize that I cannot protect them forever, and that I need to place them in God's hands and trust that he will when I can't.  I can pray for myself that God will direct me and show me the ways to be the best parent that I can be, to instill important value's and moral's. I want them to be Christ-like, to live with compassion, to strive to keep forgiveness and understanding in their hearts, to have hearts like a servant.  Some people would say that I may put too much thought into this, or that I try to put them in a bubble.  That may be their opinion, but I'm just trying to due my duty as being the Mother that God has intended me to be.

~ Prayer ~

Lord,

I lift (Wyatt and Clayton) up to You and ask that You would put a hedge of protection around them. Protect their spirit, body, mind, and emotions from any kind of evil or harm. I pray especially for protection from accidents, disease, injury, or any other physical, mental, or emotional abuse. I pray that they will make their refuge “in the shadow of Your wings” until “these calamities have passed by” (Psalm 57:1). Hide them from any kind of evil influences that would come against them. Keep them safe from any hidden dangers and let no weapon formed against them be able to prosper. Thank you, Lord, for Your many promises of protection. Help them to walk in Your ways and in obedience to Your will so that they never come out from under the umbrella of that protection.  Keep them safe in all they do and wherever they go. In Jesus’ name, I pray.

It's the little things...

I'm sitting here late on a Saturday night going back and forth from my computer to the laundry room, and I suddenly think of something that I overly thankful for, that most take for granted, haha.  So here is a list of some little things that I am thankful for when more often than not I seem to complain.  They are in no particular order.

My husband-tonight I was craving some fruity candy and a Dr. Pepper (I RARELY drink soda).  And since I can't see well do drive at night (due to a WAY expired contact prescription) he offered to drive to the shoppette at 10:30pm to get them for me. I could go on for days on all of the things he does for me and our family, he is a great Daddy and a wonderful husband.  I consider myself blessed.

My washer and dryer-this may sounds really silly-when we moved to Colorado 2.5 years ago we left our washer and dryer in Washington knowing that the apartment we were moving to did not have hookups.  We hauled laundry back and forth quite a ways to the laundry room and payed $2.50 for each load we did for 2.5 years. Through the rain/snow/ice/heat, and late and night for me when Nathan was deployed.  So having my own washer and dryer in my house and only having to haul it from the upstairs to the down, is such a blessing.

My Mom-she is the most beautiful, compassionate, caring, loving woman that I have ever met.  She has done so much for me.  I mean she has always been there for me.  She's always praying for me and thinking about me. She always knows when I need a pep talk or a laugh.  She's never judged me, even when I've strayed.  She believes in me, even when I don't.  She knows me better than anyone will.  I only hope that I can live be to like her.  I only hope that once day I can repay her.  She is the type of person who would give you her last dollar, or the coat of her back if you needed it.  She is one of my hero's.  I love you Mama!

My boys-even on my darkest days they bring smiles to my face and a giggle in my throat.  I could not have asked God for a better gift then them.  I tend to be an emotional person, I get aggravated easily and I often have bad days, but no matter how much I may get frustrated with them, they make me smile.  It's all in the little things they do.  I could go on for days about them.  I love than more than I thought I could ever love another person. They are my sunshine!

My Dad-though we don't talk often, he ALWAYS knows when I need HIM to call.  We have this connection and everytime that I need that call from my Daddy my phone rings and he says, "You were on my heart tonight sweetheart and __________".  Always perfect timing.  Though we may often disagree on a variety of things, and we may not see eye to eye, he loves me and he'll never fail me.  He's been the backbone for our family, and he has nothing but my best interest at heart.  I only wish when I was younger that I would have taken him more seriously.  Yes, Dad, you were right!  I love you from the bottom of my heart!  <3

My Brother and Sister-for always being there for me.  For always forgiving me and understanding me.  I can't express how thankful I am to have such a close connection with you two, even still from so far away.  I love you both so much and I don't know what I'd do with out you in my life!

It's getting late, there are countless things I am thankful for, I really am a blessed woman!

Walk By Faith-I'm coming back to you!

Luke 6:35-38;42

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ... How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. 

My heart has been heavy over the last few weeks.  Knowing that I need a change in my life.  Knowing that I'm not satisfied with the ways I'd been living.  I need to live my life in the way that God has called me to live.  To live by grace, to live by forgiveness, to live by FAITH, to live by compassion.  

In the past I have judged, I have gossiped, I have lied, I have embellished the truth, I have done many things that I am not proud of.  Those things do not define me.  I have asked God's forgiveness and I have forgiven myself.  You can not say anything to me that will hurt me.  You have no hold over me.  I have forgiven you, for all of the slanderous things you have said to me, for all of the lies, for all of the gossip, for all of the assumptions.

It feels like a weight of 1,000 pounds has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I know who I am, I am a child of God.  I know what I feel in my heart.  I truly feel sorry for those you can't experience life in the way that God has intended for them.  I feel sorry for those that get so enthralled and wrapped up in gossip and trash talking.  But my life has been so peaceful since I have ridded it.

It's been a hard road, and it will continue to be a hard road.  It's not easy to live by faith.  But something has been missing from my life since I walked away from Christ over five years ago.  I'm finding myself more at peace, not as easily hurt by others.  Part of that is the guard I've place over my emotions, not allowing myself to get close enough to get hurt.  I won't lie, I'm a little bit afraid.  But God has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me, and I will have faith that he has only the best of plans for my life.  I will live for him, and pray for the strength to keep going, the strength to not give into the temptations of evil.

I will pray for my enemies, that they will see the light, that they will be able to find peace in their own lives.