Well if you follow me on Facebook you know that I've been delving deep into researching breastfeeding (BF) and cloth diapering (CD'ing).
I fully intend to BF but it scares the living daylights out of me. Why, you ask? Because I don't handle pain well. That's also a very sensitive to pain area for me. Also, having the pain of nursing on top of a csection is why I failed in the hospital with Wyatt. It was too much for me. But I want to do it! I want this baby to get all of the health benefits from it and I love the benefit of losing weight in the process (selfish of me). Granted, neither of the boys have ever had ear infections or major health problems whatsoever, and they were both bottle fed. I'm just scared of the pain, and how much pain there will be and how long until it goes away. Also, how much of my day will be dedicated just to feedings. I will have two other children to chase around and my husband will be deploying a few months later. A good pump is super expensive and with our tight military budget I just don't know that it will be feasible on top of all our other baby necessities. So here's my vent and fears. Whether it be petty or not, I'm scared!
On the CD'ing issue....ugh, I'm just frustrated! I know that in the long run it saves SO much money and is much better for the environment but the up front costs and the abundance of kinds/brands/choices out there are endless. How do you know which one YOU will love and will work for you? How much money do you have to invest before you find one that works for you and then to spend a few hundred dollars again to get more of the kind you finally feel work for you and your baby? I know which kind of disposable diapers I like. I LOVE Kirkland diapers from Costco. I mean, I can get 216 diapers for $39.99 and it lasts (depending on certain factors) close to 2 months. My almost 2 year old is in size 4 and I get 186 diapers for the same price as above and it lasts me close to 3 months. That less than HALF the cost of getting the compatible Huggies. I love Huggies, but not the price tag that comes with them. I LOVE Kirkland diapers. They are super high quality and have all of the features I love of Huggies. So needless to say I'm close to saying forget this whole CD'ing fascination and just stick to what I know. All of this research is giving me a headache and my frustration is through the roof. Not to mention I still can't convince my husband to participate in CD'ing with me.
UGH! I don't know... If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my rambling.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Happy 2011, New Beginnings!
As we embark on the new year of 2011, we have many things to be thankful for, to look forward to, and to be nervous about.
Many of you know that we are in fact expecting our third baby. It's most definitely been a rough pregnancy so far. But in light of our unfortunate miscarriage before this, I will take all of this sickness and pain to bring this miracle into the world. I've learned that you must never take anything for granted. We are anxious to find out the gender of our precious bundle and of course crossing our fingers for pink! We will find out on February 26th via 3D ultrasound. Yes, we are THAT impatient this time around, haha. We've decided on names for the baby as well, Bentley Michael and Bristol Raelynn. We are thrilled about welcoming Baby "B" in to the world shortly after Wyatt's 4th birthday in August.
In just a few short months our "baby" will be turning TWO! I really can't believe how fast the time has passed. I remember it like yesterday being pregnant with CJ. I remember the colic and wondering if he'd EVER grow out of it. I remember wondering how in the world I was going to get through the deployment with an almost 2 year old and a newborn with severe colic. But we made it and he's been a wonderful blessing in our lives. Not to mention cute as EVER! <3
This summer Wyatt will be turning 4 years old, SERIOUSLY!?? That same month he'll be starting preschool. It just doesn't seem right. I remember the nights when he was just born pacing the teeny tiny living room of out teeny tiny one bedroom house, wondering what the trick was to getting this tiny creature to sleep longer than 90 minutes at a time during the night. He's definitely not so little anymore. I watch in amazement at his wealth of spirit and life. He's incredibly smart and quirky. As hard as it is to watch them grow up, it's also rewarding as well to know I'm actually succeeding at this parent thing.
We have another big event to look forward to this summer!! My best friend Sara will be moving back to Colorado after graduating from her LPN program (so proud!!) and we'll be welcoming her husband, Mike, home from his year long tour in Afghanistan as well. We are ecstatic, especially Nate to have his buddy back! We're so proud of you Spc. Poole and can't wait until you're home!
Nathan and I have also made some hard decisions about our future. Hard as in it means we are going to be taking a "Leap of Faith", placing the trust of our family's future in God's hands. We have decided that the best thing for our family will be to close the chapter of our lives that involves the Army. So in fall of 2014 we will finally be ready to work on our future. Our plans are to pack up and move back home to Washington. We are unsure if Yakima is where our future will be held, but it's where we're going to start. Nathan's going to be taking the Police/CSI program at YV Tech, and pursue a career as a police officer or something alike. Thankfully he will have the GI Bill to cover his schooling. He will also be able to attend YVCC if he chooses. All the while the Army will provide us BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) while he is in school full time. This will be a wonderful blessing as we are unsure of how we will "make it" when we say goodbye to a guaranteed paycheck. I will be attending YVCC/YV Tech to earn my Dental Assisting degree. I look forward to the days when I can help contribute to my family. It will be wonderful to have these opportunities and know that our children will be taken care of. It is very scary however, moving back home with no jobs and no place to live. I will have to immediately find a job of some sort. I'm sure the GI Bill will not be something that happens immediately, as everything involving the military, it's a waiting game. So getting back on our feet is very very scary. Especially knowing it's close to $1200 to rent a 3 bedroom home back home. But we are placing this in God's hands, we know that he will take care of us.
We are just so ready to get some stability back in our lives. Ready to be surrounded by family again. We know that our family cares about us. But often times we feel so alone over here. We honestly feel that we are "out of sight/out of mind". Not by everyone of course as many have made extra efforts to make sure we don't feel that way. But nonetheless the closeness we once felt as faded. So we hope to be able to reestablish the closeness we once had with our family and friends. This will be a refreshing new chapter and we are excited!
At some point this year (dates unknown as of yet) Nathan will be going down to Ft. Polk, LA for JRTC again (JRTC is predeployment training). It's a month long training. Yes, you heard me right, we are back in to training for deployment. He will be leaving at some point within the first 3ish months of 2012 for another year long deployment to Afghanistan. As many of you know, this last one was VERY hard on him and our family. So we could use as many prayers as you can spare.
Also, if anyone would like to plan to visit us after the baby is born I encourage you to! If you are able to and would like to come meet our new bundle before SHE is much bigger we'd love to have you! Right now we have a crib in our spare bedroom, but baby can sleep in our room while you visit. We also have a very nice airmattress as well. So we have the room and I know I'd love the extra help while recovering from surgery and caring for a newborn and two other little ones, lol.
Well, this has gotten pretty long and it's kind of scatter brained, but I hadn't blogged in quite some time so I felt the need to give a little update into our lives.
I hope you are incredibly blessed in 2011!
Many of you know that we are in fact expecting our third baby. It's most definitely been a rough pregnancy so far. But in light of our unfortunate miscarriage before this, I will take all of this sickness and pain to bring this miracle into the world. I've learned that you must never take anything for granted. We are anxious to find out the gender of our precious bundle and of course crossing our fingers for pink! We will find out on February 26th via 3D ultrasound. Yes, we are THAT impatient this time around, haha. We've decided on names for the baby as well, Bentley Michael and Bristol Raelynn. We are thrilled about welcoming Baby "B" in to the world shortly after Wyatt's 4th birthday in August.
In just a few short months our "baby" will be turning TWO! I really can't believe how fast the time has passed. I remember it like yesterday being pregnant with CJ. I remember the colic and wondering if he'd EVER grow out of it. I remember wondering how in the world I was going to get through the deployment with an almost 2 year old and a newborn with severe colic. But we made it and he's been a wonderful blessing in our lives. Not to mention cute as EVER! <3
This summer Wyatt will be turning 4 years old, SERIOUSLY!?? That same month he'll be starting preschool. It just doesn't seem right. I remember the nights when he was just born pacing the teeny tiny living room of out teeny tiny one bedroom house, wondering what the trick was to getting this tiny creature to sleep longer than 90 minutes at a time during the night. He's definitely not so little anymore. I watch in amazement at his wealth of spirit and life. He's incredibly smart and quirky. As hard as it is to watch them grow up, it's also rewarding as well to know I'm actually succeeding at this parent thing.
We have another big event to look forward to this summer!! My best friend Sara will be moving back to Colorado after graduating from her LPN program (so proud!!) and we'll be welcoming her husband, Mike, home from his year long tour in Afghanistan as well. We are ecstatic, especially Nate to have his buddy back! We're so proud of you Spc. Poole and can't wait until you're home!
Nathan and I have also made some hard decisions about our future. Hard as in it means we are going to be taking a "Leap of Faith", placing the trust of our family's future in God's hands. We have decided that the best thing for our family will be to close the chapter of our lives that involves the Army. So in fall of 2014 we will finally be ready to work on our future. Our plans are to pack up and move back home to Washington. We are unsure if Yakima is where our future will be held, but it's where we're going to start. Nathan's going to be taking the Police/CSI program at YV Tech, and pursue a career as a police officer or something alike. Thankfully he will have the GI Bill to cover his schooling. He will also be able to attend YVCC if he chooses. All the while the Army will provide us BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) while he is in school full time. This will be a wonderful blessing as we are unsure of how we will "make it" when we say goodbye to a guaranteed paycheck. I will be attending YVCC/YV Tech to earn my Dental Assisting degree. I look forward to the days when I can help contribute to my family. It will be wonderful to have these opportunities and know that our children will be taken care of. It is very scary however, moving back home with no jobs and no place to live. I will have to immediately find a job of some sort. I'm sure the GI Bill will not be something that happens immediately, as everything involving the military, it's a waiting game. So getting back on our feet is very very scary. Especially knowing it's close to $1200 to rent a 3 bedroom home back home. But we are placing this in God's hands, we know that he will take care of us.
We are just so ready to get some stability back in our lives. Ready to be surrounded by family again. We know that our family cares about us. But often times we feel so alone over here. We honestly feel that we are "out of sight/out of mind". Not by everyone of course as many have made extra efforts to make sure we don't feel that way. But nonetheless the closeness we once felt as faded. So we hope to be able to reestablish the closeness we once had with our family and friends. This will be a refreshing new chapter and we are excited!
At some point this year (dates unknown as of yet) Nathan will be going down to Ft. Polk, LA for JRTC again (JRTC is predeployment training). It's a month long training. Yes, you heard me right, we are back in to training for deployment. He will be leaving at some point within the first 3ish months of 2012 for another year long deployment to Afghanistan. As many of you know, this last one was VERY hard on him and our family. So we could use as many prayers as you can spare.
Also, if anyone would like to plan to visit us after the baby is born I encourage you to! If you are able to and would like to come meet our new bundle before SHE is much bigger we'd love to have you! Right now we have a crib in our spare bedroom, but baby can sleep in our room while you visit. We also have a very nice airmattress as well. So we have the room and I know I'd love the extra help while recovering from surgery and caring for a newborn and two other little ones, lol.
Well, this has gotten pretty long and it's kind of scatter brained, but I hadn't blogged in quite some time so I felt the need to give a little update into our lives.
I hope you are incredibly blessed in 2011!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I am one lucky girl!
First off, let me thank all of my wonderful family and friends to reached out to me with unconditional love and support in regards to my last blog. I love you all, and all of the support, prayers, and hugs have meant the world to us. I also think that I fixed it to where people can now comment on my blogs, lol.
These last few months have hit our family hard from several angles. Many of you know that we are dealing with Nathan's PTSD and other issues. We also had it confirmed today from Nathan's new doctor that he does in fact have Narcolepsy . I'm dealing with my Fibromyalgia. Our finances have been hit. Dealing with the Army's BS. The cherry on top would be our recent miscarriage. I've been down to my deepest point wondering "why me?". Right at the time in my life where I've made a conscience decision to live my life the way that God wishes, or at least trying as humanly possible.
I've come to realize that I'm being tested. My faith in God is being tested. Do I really have faith that he has a perfect plan for my/our life?
When I get hit with a trial I tend to get angry and feel sorry for myself. But now I will hold my head high, believing that everything happens for a reason. The outcome of a terrible situation can be turned into a lesson. What do *I* choose to do? From this moment on, I am going to look at the positives in an awful situation. What are the blessings in disguise that I should be seeking out of it? I am striving to live gracefully, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start being creative. I truly have been blessed. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, two amazing little boys who never cease to amaze me, and a wonderful circle of family and friends.
Thank you to everyone who has stood by side, who have helped hold me up when I'm crumbling.
Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
These last few months have hit our family hard from several angles. Many of you know that we are dealing with Nathan's PTSD and other issues. We also had it confirmed today from Nathan's new doctor that he does in fact have Narcolepsy . I'm dealing with my Fibromyalgia. Our finances have been hit. Dealing with the Army's BS. The cherry on top would be our recent miscarriage. I've been down to my deepest point wondering "why me?". Right at the time in my life where I've made a conscience decision to live my life the way that God wishes, or at least trying as humanly possible.
I've come to realize that I'm being tested. My faith in God is being tested. Do I really have faith that he has a perfect plan for my/our life?
When I get hit with a trial I tend to get angry and feel sorry for myself. But now I will hold my head high, believing that everything happens for a reason. The outcome of a terrible situation can be turned into a lesson. What do *I* choose to do? From this moment on, I am going to look at the positives in an awful situation. What are the blessings in disguise that I should be seeking out of it? I am striving to live gracefully, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to start being creative. I truly have been blessed. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband, two amazing little boys who never cease to amaze me, and a wonderful circle of family and friends.
Thank you to everyone who has stood by side, who have helped hold me up when I'm crumbling.
Jeremiah 29:11-For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Most embarrassing/humbling moment of my life.
Today had went grocery shopping to get us through until the end of the month. With the holidays coming our budget is super duper tight. I had a certain amount in cash. That was the rest of the money we had until December 1st. That was to get groceries and gas and hopefully have a little bit left to get us by. Well, let me explain to you my most embarrassing moment ever. Please note that if you feel the need to bash me or our money handling, take it elsewhere, I don't care to hear it. We live by a very strict budget. If would be be beneficial for me to work, trust me I WOULD! It's days like today where I hate myself for not being able to contribute to our families needs.
I cut a TON of coupons this morning and went to the grocery store. With Thanksgiving coming up, and quite a stretch until the next payday I was trying to stock up. Not only that, but our pantry and freezer are nearly bare. So I had an over flowing cart full of groceries, buying as many generics as I possibly could. Completely avoiding all sugars, ice creams, cookies, chips, etc. Other than a couple of snack items for the boys, all I got were necessities. Feeling confident that we would have enough to make it, I made my way to the register.
About 3/4 of the way through the items on the belt I noticed that I was about $75 over the amount of cash that I had, remember the cash I had was ALL I had to get groceries and gas and make it through to the end of the month. So I had to stop the checker and tell her my dilemma as I started picking through all of my already bagged up groceries, holding back tears as I set item after item back for her to take off. Then I handed her all of my coupons bring me to a balance of $0.50 under the amount of cash I had. Leaving important items such as toilet paper and diapers behind. I probably apologized a dozen times before I humbly made my way out to the car.
Once I got home and I had to explain to my husband that our 3 rolls of toilet paper will have to last us the better part of 2.5 weeks, and that I was sorry I didn't have much for us to eat for lunches this time. I started bawling my eyes out. If only I could afford to have a job, we wouldn't be in this situation. I often hear, "well can't you get on food stamps?" Umm, NO, in fact, we can't get on them. I stress about grocery shopping every payday, but we typically make it just fine but this time was terrible. I have NEVER had to put back more than one or two items, not half a cart full. Boy did I misjudge? I can't even describe the level of embarrassment I felt today.
Please note, this is MY blog. This is my place to vent and whine. My place to let my emotions run free and express my anger. If you choose to judge me, that's your business, but I don't want to hear it. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. It just seems that I get buried and I can't come up for a breath until after our tax refund shows up. Then I can stock the pantry up, pay all of the bills that I've had to put off, etc. So here's to hoping that February will show up fast. Maybe this time I will be able to finally fill my savings account to keep this from happening next year. Where there is a will there's a way. I'm just so sick of scavenging around my house trying to find things I can sell for items like milk, diapers, and toilet paper or even for gas so that my husband can get to and from work. God will provide...right?
I cut a TON of coupons this morning and went to the grocery store. With Thanksgiving coming up, and quite a stretch until the next payday I was trying to stock up. Not only that, but our pantry and freezer are nearly bare. So I had an over flowing cart full of groceries, buying as many generics as I possibly could. Completely avoiding all sugars, ice creams, cookies, chips, etc. Other than a couple of snack items for the boys, all I got were necessities. Feeling confident that we would have enough to make it, I made my way to the register.
About 3/4 of the way through the items on the belt I noticed that I was about $75 over the amount of cash that I had, remember the cash I had was ALL I had to get groceries and gas and make it through to the end of the month. So I had to stop the checker and tell her my dilemma as I started picking through all of my already bagged up groceries, holding back tears as I set item after item back for her to take off. Then I handed her all of my coupons bring me to a balance of $0.50 under the amount of cash I had. Leaving important items such as toilet paper and diapers behind. I probably apologized a dozen times before I humbly made my way out to the car.
Once I got home and I had to explain to my husband that our 3 rolls of toilet paper will have to last us the better part of 2.5 weeks, and that I was sorry I didn't have much for us to eat for lunches this time. I started bawling my eyes out. If only I could afford to have a job, we wouldn't be in this situation. I often hear, "well can't you get on food stamps?" Umm, NO, in fact, we can't get on them. I stress about grocery shopping every payday, but we typically make it just fine but this time was terrible. I have NEVER had to put back more than one or two items, not half a cart full. Boy did I misjudge? I can't even describe the level of embarrassment I felt today.
Please note, this is MY blog. This is my place to vent and whine. My place to let my emotions run free and express my anger. If you choose to judge me, that's your business, but I don't want to hear it. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. It just seems that I get buried and I can't come up for a breath until after our tax refund shows up. Then I can stock the pantry up, pay all of the bills that I've had to put off, etc. So here's to hoping that February will show up fast. Maybe this time I will be able to finally fill my savings account to keep this from happening next year. Where there is a will there's a way. I'm just so sick of scavenging around my house trying to find things I can sell for items like milk, diapers, and toilet paper or even for gas so that my husband can get to and from work. God will provide...right?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
It's that time of year...
...when I sink down and start feeling sorry for myself. That's what the holiday season does to me when I'm 1400 miles from home. If I had all the money in the world I would fly them all down here to spend the holidays with us. Living the Army life is no joke, it's definitely not easy.
It's hard to sit here knowing that family is gearing up for big holiday get togethers, while we will be sitting home alone. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed. I have my two wonderful boys, and my husband safe and sound stateside this year. But it doesn't make it any easier to know we miss out.
I often times feel "forgotten" by most of our families. I feel that as though we are in Colorado we are "out of sight and out of mind". I only wish we were close enough to home to be able to hop in the car and visit on a moments notice, but just can't be for us.
What I wouldn't give to be able to close the door on this chapter of our lives and open a new one back home. Back where we'd be with family. Where I wouldn't miss out on my Niece being born, or helping my Sissy plan for her wedding (whenever that will happen). Missing out on having family surround us for birthdays. I am so very grateful for those very few who have remembered us, mainly the boys while we're apart. You know who you are, and you are loved and appreciated.
I really don't know why I'm just rambling. I suppose it's just easier for me to get my feelings out in print rather than sit here and wallow in my own self pity. Now I will be off, pulling myself up by the boot straps, put my big girl panties on, and make the best out of our unfortunate situation.
It's hard to sit here knowing that family is gearing up for big holiday get togethers, while we will be sitting home alone. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed. I have my two wonderful boys, and my husband safe and sound stateside this year. But it doesn't make it any easier to know we miss out.
I often times feel "forgotten" by most of our families. I feel that as though we are in Colorado we are "out of sight and out of mind". I only wish we were close enough to home to be able to hop in the car and visit on a moments notice, but just can't be for us.
What I wouldn't give to be able to close the door on this chapter of our lives and open a new one back home. Back where we'd be with family. Where I wouldn't miss out on my Niece being born, or helping my Sissy plan for her wedding (whenever that will happen). Missing out on having family surround us for birthdays. I am so very grateful for those very few who have remembered us, mainly the boys while we're apart. You know who you are, and you are loved and appreciated.
I really don't know why I'm just rambling. I suppose it's just easier for me to get my feelings out in print rather than sit here and wallow in my own self pity. Now I will be off, pulling myself up by the boot straps, put my big girl panties on, and make the best out of our unfortunate situation.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Hurting
After asking my husband to come to bed with me last night, he rushes me off because he's "SO" into this show that had 12 minutes left. Comes to bed at 0335 this morning reeking of beer, and proceeds to throw up for an hour. I ask him "You're JUST now coming to bed?" and he responds "yeah I fell asleep on the couch". Wanna know what REALLY happen? He rushed me off to bed to play COD guilt free. YET again leaving me alone all night long. Proceeds to drink way too much beer, that we didn't even have the money for int he first place, and play call of duty for 5.5 hours. Pretty awesome, huh? So I wake him up this morning after he PROMISED to get up with the boys this morning. Wyatt and Clayton are standing on the side of the bed bawling, while CJ is covered in diarrhea. So even though he was supposed to get up with them, I put Wyatt in the spare bed, and get CJ all cleaned up and changed, strip his bed and take it all downstairs, after putting him into his brother's bed. Once I'm all done I walk into the bedroom and shake Nate's leg over and over, also ripping off the covers, while I inform him I KNOW he lied. I proceed to pour out my feelings, bawling my eyes out, explaining how I have been feeling, and how he hasn't been here for the family emotionally at all and physically only part in months. His response?? NOTHING!!! I asked him, what do you have to say for yourself? NOTHING!!! What do you want? NOTHING! He told me to pack up myself and the boys and move back to Washington on Payday. Well, sorry buddy, it's not that easy!
I don't know what do to anymore. I am hurting SO bad!!! I feel physically ill. I am coming down with a TERRIBLE cold and feel like crap but he doesn't care. I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. I don't even know what to feel anymore. My heart hurts so bad. I don't know where to do.
See, this is why no one wants to really know what's going on in my life, because they wouldn't even know what to say. I don't need your pity. But when I say I'm "okay" it's because it hurts too much to tell what's really going on, not to mention it's too hard.
If you are reading this and you really shouldn't be, this is a very very sensitive subject, and you should be mature enough to let that be. Let me have my life, or what's left of it.
I don't know what do to anymore. I am hurting SO bad!!! I feel physically ill. I am coming down with a TERRIBLE cold and feel like crap but he doesn't care. I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. I don't even know what to feel anymore. My heart hurts so bad. I don't know where to do.
See, this is why no one wants to really know what's going on in my life, because they wouldn't even know what to say. I don't need your pity. But when I say I'm "okay" it's because it hurts too much to tell what's really going on, not to mention it's too hard.
If you are reading this and you really shouldn't be, this is a very very sensitive subject, and you should be mature enough to let that be. Let me have my life, or what's left of it.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Struggles Post Deployment
Many of you may know, and some may not, that the deployment that we recently finished was a hard one. It was our first, and I hadn't prepared myself for the stresses it would put on my marriage and our family. We went through some trials, tears, forgiveness, questioning, fear, excitement, and many other emotions. NOTHING had prepared either of us for the repercussion that we would face once it was over and my husband was home.
We've since had to face PTSD in the face and many of the side effects of it. Chronic insomnia, severe depression, nightmares, withdrawal/numbness, etc. All of these are connected to PTSD. All of these things are adversely affecting my marriage. Does the Army care? I don't think so. I honestly think that my husband is slipping through the cracks.
Knowing full well that all of the things my husband is dealing with are hard, and not his fault. I often find myself so angry that I say things I shouldn't say, saying things that are hurtful and mean...and when I receive NO response in return, I get furious. I am tired! I am tired of putting myself last.
For example, this morning when my husband came home from PT we watched two episodes of Boy Meets World. Though he slept through them both on the couch. I then asked him if he could please wake up and watch the boys so that I could get a shower, as today is day three without one. But he couldn't stay awake. So I washed my hair in the sink, followed back rubbing down with a hot wash cloth to feel somewhat refreshed. I was so upset, slamming things around. Then feeling full of guilt myself. It's not his fault. Yet, I still can't find compassion or graciousness in my heart. I have prayed and pleaded to God to please change my heart about this.
I am trying to hold faith that the Army will Medically Discharge him and we can move home. I know that we would have such a better life outside of the stresses of the Military. We could both go to school. He could focus strictly on school and getting better. We would be surrounded by family that would be there to help us when we fall.
I have found that anger is one of my MAJOR weakness'. I need help with that, I NEED help with out to deal with a spouse with PTSD. I don't know what I am doing. I love my husband with everything in my being, and I just want to see him happy. I want to see him full of spirit and livelihood. I want him to love life again.
I don't know how much longer I can go on with him sleeping every spare moment in the day, spending hours and hours playing war games on the xbox, entirely avoiding me. I have a HUGE void in my life, I feel empty. I know that I can't blame him, even when that would be so easy for me to do...and in anger I have.
Please, I could use so many prayers that God will guide me in how to deal with this. Also that we would be able to see an end in his Army career. He himself (who once said he was a lifer) has said that he's done with it. He wants out, he's worn out, he feels aged. He's paid his dues and it's time to move on. BUT he needs to get a medical discharge so that the VA can provide him with the benefits that he needs to continue therapy and other things to help him.
I just wish that I had been prepared for this, and educated in how to understand, help, and deal. If you feel that I am heartless, or vicious than so be it. I'm not, but I won't lie, I haven't been nice at times. It would be so easy for me to give up and leave, but I won't!! I want to help him, but I need help too. Why? Why do I have to be so prideful. This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, as I'm typically a very private person... but I am breaking.
We've since had to face PTSD in the face and many of the side effects of it. Chronic insomnia, severe depression, nightmares, withdrawal/numbness, etc. All of these are connected to PTSD. All of these things are adversely affecting my marriage. Does the Army care? I don't think so. I honestly think that my husband is slipping through the cracks.
Knowing full well that all of the things my husband is dealing with are hard, and not his fault. I often find myself so angry that I say things I shouldn't say, saying things that are hurtful and mean...and when I receive NO response in return, I get furious. I am tired! I am tired of putting myself last.
For example, this morning when my husband came home from PT we watched two episodes of Boy Meets World. Though he slept through them both on the couch. I then asked him if he could please wake up and watch the boys so that I could get a shower, as today is day three without one. But he couldn't stay awake. So I washed my hair in the sink, followed back rubbing down with a hot wash cloth to feel somewhat refreshed. I was so upset, slamming things around. Then feeling full of guilt myself. It's not his fault. Yet, I still can't find compassion or graciousness in my heart. I have prayed and pleaded to God to please change my heart about this.
I am trying to hold faith that the Army will Medically Discharge him and we can move home. I know that we would have such a better life outside of the stresses of the Military. We could both go to school. He could focus strictly on school and getting better. We would be surrounded by family that would be there to help us when we fall.
I have found that anger is one of my MAJOR weakness'. I need help with that, I NEED help with out to deal with a spouse with PTSD. I don't know what I am doing. I love my husband with everything in my being, and I just want to see him happy. I want to see him full of spirit and livelihood. I want him to love life again.
I don't know how much longer I can go on with him sleeping every spare moment in the day, spending hours and hours playing war games on the xbox, entirely avoiding me. I have a HUGE void in my life, I feel empty. I know that I can't blame him, even when that would be so easy for me to do...and in anger I have.
Please, I could use so many prayers that God will guide me in how to deal with this. Also that we would be able to see an end in his Army career. He himself (who once said he was a lifer) has said that he's done with it. He wants out, he's worn out, he feels aged. He's paid his dues and it's time to move on. BUT he needs to get a medical discharge so that the VA can provide him with the benefits that he needs to continue therapy and other things to help him.
I just wish that I had been prepared for this, and educated in how to understand, help, and deal. If you feel that I am heartless, or vicious than so be it. I'm not, but I won't lie, I haven't been nice at times. It would be so easy for me to give up and leave, but I won't!! I want to help him, but I need help too. Why? Why do I have to be so prideful. This is me stepping out of my comfort zone, as I'm typically a very private person... but I am breaking.
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