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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Almost Time!

Monday at noon is my c-section. It's my third, so you'd think I'd be a seasoned pro with no fears at all, right? NO!!!

My first one was an emergency csection after a 9 hour induced labor with a breech baby. Epi started to wear off and I had to be put under general. So I don't remember any of it really.

Second was at the Army hospital here at Carson. TRAUMATIC experience! When I went in at 5am I was super dehydrated and they couldn't get my IV's started. Doesn't help that I don't have the most cooperative veins to begin with. The nurses literally STABBED my hands with needles while twisting them around IN my hand trying to get the "right spot" I guess. After trying to stay calm even though I was scared out of my mind I finally broke down and just started bawling and saying a few choice words (which I NEVER do in moments like these). Then after they get me into the OR the anesthesiologist took 3 attempts to get my spinal block done. First two times he was using the wrong size needle and then it bent IN my back. Third time he realized what was up and got the proper size and got it in. I had a massive bruise on my lower back and it was the most painful experience. Then while I'm strapped down to the operating table, and they are pressing and shoving on me I'm trying to tell them that I CAN'T BREATHE and nothing. They did nothing. I literally though I was going to suffocate. On top of all of that my shoulders were killing me from having my arms strapped down straight out to the sides.

Over all it was just an awful experience. Most of the staff was just down right mean to me and they acted like they didn't care. They didn't care for me with compassion. I'd even expressed how nervous and scared I was since I was going to be awake for the first time.

This time around I have an amazing civilian doctor and I'm delivering at a TOP hospital. One of the top 1% in the nation. I had my pre-op yesterday evening and the nurses were so sweet with me (even though it took four attempts to get a blood sample-thanks to crappy veins). I have 100% trust in the staff there and I'm not even scared of the surgery itself. But I'm TERRIFIED about getting my IV's and mostly about getting the spinal block and the feelings I felt last time while being on the operating table.

Most people don't seem to understand why I'm so fearful, why I'm finding myself in pools of tears as each hour passes and we are closer to D day. "It's just a c-section" "It's not as bad as you think" "You should be a pro, you've had two before"...blah blah blah!

I really don't know the point of me putting this out there other than to vent and try to find a way to cope with how I am feeling right now. In 48 hours my baby girl will be welcomed into this world...but her Mama is scared out of her freaking mind. I feel helpless and selfish.

Please tell me that the Spinal block is no big deal. That it happens super quick (like in seconds, lol). Because last time the actual poking and putting medicine in me took 15-20 minutes. 

I have fibromyalgia, however, so that area of my back especially is VERY VERY VERY tender just to the touch. Yeah, that's helps in my favor. =(

Thanks for hearing me out. I hope I don't sound too pathetic or whiny. I'm just very very very overwhelmed, scared, nervous, and anxious. But I know once I'm up in my room, out of recover, and holding her in my arms...all will be well in my world.

1 comment:

  1. You don't sound pathetic at all! C-sections scare me a lot, and EVERY labor is different, also meaning every C-section is different. I can completely understand why you're scared. Have you talked about these fears with your doctor? I'm sure they will do everything in their power to make sure your experience is better than before. I'm sorry your experience was so traumatic last time. If I had that experience, I would be feeling the exact same way you are right now. Just try your best to focus on little Allie. :)

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