We have orders!!

My goodness, after nearly 6 years here at Fort Carson I never thought we'd see the day where we would finally have orders to PCS.  But we do!!  My husband came down on orders the beginning of July for Fort Campbell, KY!  I can't even begin to describe my excitement to you all!  I am beside myself!

Some of you may know, though, that we were trying to get a compassionate reassignment for Fort Lewis, WA due to my dad's health conditions.  But I suppose the big man upstairs had other plans.  And thankfully, my daddy is progressing in his recovery, though 100% disabled  and unable to work again.  Fort Campbell has always been high on our "wish" list, but did we think we'd ever actually get to go there?  This is the Army of course, haha....so no, we didn't.

Though we will now be roughly 35 hours from "home" I think we will find ourselves right where we were meant to be.  Nate and I are both, down to earth "country folk".  We like the small town, southern hospitality, and all things that come along with living in the south.  Aside from that though, we'll only be around 6 hours drive to my best friend, and still a days drive away from my sister and brother in law.  On top of that, we'll only be 45 minutes away from NASHVILLE!!  Oh yeah, that's right, country music central!  Can I get a "hell yeah"?!

When Nate enlisted in 2007, I had high expectations of moving around the country and getting to see and do things I might not otherwise be able to do.  Little did I know at the time that it wouldn't really work out that way.  Beings we've been here at Fort Carson for over half a decade now.  We were filled with so much excitement when he discovered he had orders for Campbell.

This last weekend we drove to Kansas (near Fort Riley) to visit my sister and brother in law.  And while I've been in humid area's of the country before, I really got a good taste of what we're in for.  But you know what, that's OKAY!  While I was sticky most of the time I was there, I embraced it.  We went to the zoo with all 4 of the kiddos (did I mention my adorable nephew?).  It was HOT!  Reallllllly hot.  I was drenched in sweat,. Imagine sitting in a sauna and the sweat is dripping off of every part of your body (gross right?).  Well, that was me.  But I just laughed it off.  I've got to get used to this, right?  However, I will say that I didn't itch once while I was there.  I never even needed to apply oil or body cream or anything.  And I have naturally dry skin.  It was kind of amazing.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is, while I really don't care for the humid climates all that well, I will survive the summers of the south.  And hey, maybe I'll finally be able to lose some of the extra weight I've been carrying around.  Because I'll be drinking like 15 gallons of water a day (okay maybe not that much. ;)   But you get my drift.

So what I am looking forward to?

• Actually being able to enjoy Autumn.  I haven't been able to experience the fall season in over 6 years.  Fall is my favorite season of the year.  Since we've moved to Colorado summer has been my favorite season because it's the only time we get some sort of heat around here.  Although, even that is hit and miss with all of the rain we get here.  When it rains here the temps drop about 20 degrees and it's cold...you can't even enjoy the rain.
• Southern hospitality. Need I say more?
• Being super duper close to my best friend, being able to watch my Niece grow up (because we'll likely be there for some time before we PCS again).  
• Green.  Green grass, green trees, TREES!  Omg, I can't wait to start growing food, planting insane amounts of outdoor plants and flowers.
• Outdoor activities year round!
• No snow!  Okay well virtually no snow.  Coming from where I grew up and from Colorado, it'll be nice to have mild winters without snow, bitter cold winds and the similar.  I don't do cold.  My kids don't even like it haha!
• Country music!
• Honky Tonks (provided we can get a babysitter on occasion).
• Being part of the 101st Airborne Division family <3 li="">
• Meeting new people, seeing new things, experiences new things.

My list goes on.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a nervous wreck though.  Moving is nerve wracking.  My anxiety is high.  Will we get a house before Nate leaves for school?  Will we clear housing here without ending up in the poor house?  Will we have enough funds to move and temporarily live in a hotel?  Will we have enough room for all of the things we aren't letting the movers take?  And good golly....are we gonna get good movers or is our stuff going to get severely damaged enroute? How will Wyatt do transferring to a new school where he doesn't know anyone?  Will I even be able to get him back into school right away?  And on and on and on... My dad always called me a worry wart while I was growing up.  I guess he was right. :/

All these aside though, I'm just thrilled!  I can't wait to get there and get settled in and start our new journey in this Army life.

XOXO

Why I Love This Military Life

Let me tell you a little bit about my world and why I love it so much.  Why the thought of leaving it one day not only deeply saddens me but scares the livin' day lights out of me. 

My life is filled with uniforms and codes of ethic.  Acronyms and standards.  Rules and regulations.  Stress and tears.  Love and pride.  Pride that can't be explained with words.  Deployments, FTX's, TDY's, fun times and hardships.  Anxiety and fear.

I am awoken every morning by the bugle calls for reveile.  I go to sleep by the sounds of TAPS.  And when I hear the the bugles for retreat I know that my husband "should" be home soon for dinner-given that they aren't deployed, gearing for deployment, or on an FTX (lol).

I step out my front door at any given moment int he day and I am always surrounded by uniforms.  Uniforms worn by our nations unsung heroes.  Uniforms to which I owe my life and freedom to.  Unless you live this life, you haven't the slightest clue how security and pride can envelope and overwhelm a person.

I can step outside and see moving trucks.  Either families departing to a new duty station or new comers who have PCS'd here-to their new "home".

I can step outside and see children and parents hanging banners and signs.  Decorating their homes and cars.  I smile inside, knowing that little boy down the street is about to get his daddy back.

I can go to the Commissary, where I see many women-"single moms"-like myself toting several children while she gathers her families weekly groceries.  The pure look of stress in her eyes as she fights the urge to break down into tears.  I see the childless wife with a cart full of frozen dinners and junk food.  Because we all know how pointless it is to cook for one.  I see the retiree's with their spouses and I shoot them a smile.  I see those who have been inured during war, proudly walking in his new pair of legs.

The advantages of being a Military Spouse vs. a civilian one is that I am reminded EVERY SINGLE day (sometimes more than once) how important my husbands job is.  I am also reminded of how thankless it is.

Words cannot even begin to describe the overwhelming emotion and pride that paralizes you when you to to a welcome home ceremony.  Words cannot describe the fear a spouse has and the sounds of an unexpected knock at the door.

You see, the reality of becoming a widow in my twenties is far more real than for any of my civilian friends.  Sending your husband to fight a thankless war that many Americans fail to educate themselves on, not knowing if that is the last time that I will taste his kiss, is almost unbearable.  Will that be the last time I touch his face or feel his embrace?  Is that the last time I will stare into his eyes?  Is this the last time I will see him swoop his children up in a great big bear hug?

But I keep going.  I know have the job of two.  I am the only one now.  I am on my own, 20 hours from family.  I am my own backbone.

Many wonder how we do it.  Us spouses have to rely on each other.  Just as our guys become family with their battle buddies, our fellow Military Wives become each others family.  We UNDERSTAND more than ANY other person will, what each other is going thru.  Even if we don't walk it at the same times.  I would be lost without that hand to hold, helping offer, or shoulder to cry on.

After living the Army lifestyle and learning to love it, I don't EVER want to go back.  This is where I belong.  This is where I belong.  This is where I feel at home.  Because "home" is where the Army sends us.  "Home" is where my husbands plants his combat boots.

Religion & Politics

If there are two things I HATE discussing more than anything else, it's religion and politics. 

Some may argue it's because I don't know much about either.  Everyone can have their opinions.  I will be the first to admit that I don't know much about politics.  Honestly, I don't care to.  I have my opinions and I prefer to keep them to myself.

Religion, I know about Christianity.  I was raised in that religion.  I know my fair share of it.  Yet, people still feel the obligation to shove their religion (Christianity) down my throat.  Throw scriptures in my face as though I'm naive and uneducated in this area.

I'm getting to the point in my life where I honestly do not know what I believe anymore.  Because the Jesus I was once, did not treat people the way that Christians do these days.  The Jesus, *I* believed in did not "Bible Bash".  In fact, there was no Bible when he was walking the earth.  I'm so sick and tired of being made to feel "guilty" for not attending church or for the way I am raising my children.  I'm so tired of being looked down upon for decisions I have made in my life.  Or for the fact that my husband has different views and lots of doubts as well. 

Christians have this way of knowing everything about everytghing and making sure that everyone knows it and that we are all wrong for not following their ways, opinions, etc.

I really don't know what I am even trying to flippin' say at the moment.  My laptop is about to die for good and I just don't have the time to get my jumbled thoughts into a proper blog.  So yeah...

...I really don't know what I believe at this point.  I still pray, read a devotional, and teach my kids about the God I was raised to know.  But in my heart and mind I have many many questions and doubts. 

I'd love to take some world religion classes and learn about other religions more deeply.

At some point I will continue on with this mess of a blog and organize my thoughts to make better sense.

So go on....judge me like y'all always do in your hearts...

Deployment Confession # 23476515

Today I was required to attend the Fort Carson Garrison Council Meeting.  So that meant leaving all three of my babies at childcare while I was gone.  My older two (boys ages 4.5 and 3) have been to hourly care several times, but I hadn't taken them until last month.  Well, I had to leave my 8 month old daughter at day care for the very first time.

I had never left my boys at day care that young.  In fact, like I stated, they had never been until last month.  Poor Alliebug has been dealing with separation anxiety since my husband deployed.  If we are not home (and I'm not with her) she refuses to eat, nap, and cries non-stop.  I was so anxious about leaving her for fear she would just scream the entire time.  My poor baby girl needs her mama (or this is my thinking!).

So I drop the boys off in their classroom and walk down to the other end of the facility to drop her off, for the first time.  After I have labeled and put her things up and signed her in, I had to let her go.  I took a minute to snuggle next to her, kiss her cheeks, the top of her head, and whisper to her that mommy would be right back and that she would be okay.  As  I set her down, I kiss her one last time-and then it happens!  The TEARS!  I'm bawling my eyes out as I stand back up.  I was so humiliated.  I had not expected to cry.  I have left her with close friends before and I was fine.  This was different.  I was leaving my baby girl with strangers, albeit trained strangers, but still strangers.

As I went back out to my car, drying my eyes, I was reflecting on the sacrifices my husband has had to make regarding our children.  I couldn't help but feel guilty and a little bit selfish.


When Wyatt was 2 months old Nathan left for Basic Training and AIT.  When Wyatt was 16 months old he left for JRTC.  When CJ was 2 months old he left for his first deployment.  In between all of these he's also been gone for weeks on end on FTX's (field training exercises), etc.  And now he's had to say good bye to all 3 of our babies AGAIN for his second deployment.  As a mother, I could not imagine leaving my kids for any length of time, let alone almost an entire year.

What an incredibly strong person it takes to answer the call of duty and leave behind the strings of your heart. I could barely leave my baby for 2.5 hours, how in the world do our Military leave their children behind for months/years at a time?

I have the utmost respect for our Military and the sacrifices they make (great and small).  I couldn't do it.  So to those of you that do, thank you!  And please forgive me for being selfish.

xoxo

This life is not a contest (oh and the newest care package!)

I've been reading a new devotional that I purchased specifically for this deployment.  Faith Deployed-Daily Encouragement for Military Wives By: Jocelyn Green.  I'm only about 6 days in so far but I love it!  If you are spiritually inclined and looking for a great devotional to deal with Military Life, I highly recommend this one.

Day 4 struck a note with me.  It was titled Comparing Trials.  One thing I've noticed and am often annoyed with in this lifestyle is that everything is a "pissing match".  Every other wife/significant other thinking that they have it worse, or that their Soldier has it worse.  Then they compare their trials, tribulations, and hardships.  Seriously?  Does our Military not all work to the bone (especially during deployments)?  Do they not all work together?  Do they not all have the same stresses and hardships?  Yes, they do!

We all face deployments, some more often than others.  But the point is that we all face them at some point.  My husband is currently on his second.  Aren't they all hard?  Yes!

Do some Soldiers have more ammenties than others?  More communication avenues at their fingertips than others?  Yes.  But we should not be knocking down the wives who do get more phone calls/emails/skype dates than we do.  It's not their fault, it just happens to be the circumstances.  Do some of our husbands have slightly harder, more demanding jobs?  Yes, but that does not give us the right to become bitter towards those who may "have it easier" so to speak.

The bottom line is we are all dealing with the same thing...deployment.  We are all dealing with taking on a double load at home.  We are all dealing with separation and everything that comes along with that.  So why can't we just be happy for our fellow sisters and be a shoulder for the ones who may be struggling a little more than others?

Jealousy is an ugly thing.  Our first deployment was very rough.  Communication was awful and care packages too an eternity to get down range.  But I tell you one thing, each time I was able to hear from him was a blessing.  It may not have been often and it may have been broken up, but it was a blessing nonetheless.

Back in the wars throughout history, families back home were lucky to get a letter every couple of months.  Think about that before you become resentful.  Be happy that you have the communication that you DO have!

Here are a few excerpts from the book I want to share.

"As I listened to her share with broken voice and many tears, I'm ashamed to admit I had no compassion for her whatsoever.  The first thing that jumped into my mind was, 'You call that bad?  Try being a Military wife!  We hardly ever get to live near our extended families.  We don't even live with our own husbands half the time!' "


"I carried my 'I have it worse than you' attitude home with me that day.  I snuggled up to it to make myself feel more virtuous or worthy somehow.  But the tighter I held on to it, the less Christ was able to use me. I used my own trials as something to be proud of.  What a ridiculous thing to boast about!"


"Proverbs 14:10 says, 'The heart knows it's own bitterness and a stranger does not share it's joy.' When I read that verse, it seems to tell me that each person's burden causes him or her a pain that should not be diminished just because someone else has it worse.  It is impossible and worthless to compare trials.  A truly humble person would have compassion and bear others' burdens no matter how they 'rank' next to my own."


"In Galations 6:2, Paul does not say, 'Bear one another's burdens only if you deem the burden of sufficient magnitude.  If it isn't a big deal to you, go ahead and let your sister in Christ figure it out on her own.  She'll get over it, 'We are to bear another's burdens.  Period!"


"Philippians 2:4-5 tells us, 'Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.  Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus."

So as I close the first part of this two part blog, my prayers is that we can all look out for each other.  Neither become jealous or bitter of another's circumstances but feel blessed for what we do have and reach out to those that are struggling.  The Army life should never be a "I have it worse than you do" scenario.  We are all here for the same purpose, so lets remember that. <3




Okay....so my goal this deployment is to spice up the care packages I send to my Soldier.  This one was all lovey dovey and I had a ton of fun with it.  I filled it with goodies, nothing too spectacular, but I wanted him to smile when he opened it up and know that I put a lot of love and thought into it.  It took forever, and I know that once he's emptied it's contents it will be burned (they have to burn all of their mail-envelopes, packaging, etc for security reasons) but it's still fun nonetheless.  I also bought heart shaped card stock and wrote random love notes on them and tossed them in there amongst the goodies.  Here's the pic's!

A Mother's Work is Never Done

While I was doing my nightly chores (putting my house back together before my rugrats tear it all up again in the morning) I was reflecting on the words a sweet friend said to me.

How in the world do I do what I do every day.  Day in and day out?  Especially with a husband who is rarely around (and deployed at the moment)?  The answer...I HAVE NO CLUE!!

My boys wake up with the sun (sometimes before!) and my day starts.  Making their breakfast, getting them dressed and ready for the day (however we do have days where we stay in jammies all day!).  Then my 7 month old daughter is up and rearing to start her day.  Changing her diaper, getting her dressed, and making her breakfast.  Then I feed her, clean her up.  Of course before all this I have to let our two dogs outside and make sure they have fresh water.  Then I start on cleaning the kitchen, but not before I sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee!

During the day, I am preparing meals, doing laundry, answering a billion and one questions for my curious 4.5 year old, making phone calls, paying bills, keeping appointments, running errands, grocery shopping, preparing care packages for my Soldier, doing arts and crafts with the boys, playing with my kids, taking care of the dogs, bathing kids, putting them to bed, feeding the dogs, etc.  Once my kids are in bed I tackle the house.  I pick up, clean dishes, fold laundry, vacuum, clean the floors, the bathrooms, put the house back together again.

While doing all of this I am running two small home business, going to school for my Associate's Degree in Criminal Justice, our FRG Secretary, and the Village Deputy Mayor (for the on post housing village I live in).  I am not only the mother, but the fill in dad when my husband is answering the Army's call.  I'm 19 hours from our families and 17 hours from my best friend.

To be frank, I never thought of myself as anything special.  I mearly thought I was just doing my job as a wife and mother.  All of the above is what is to be expected, right?  I know I'm not alone.  I just go about my daily life with a smile on my face.  Truth is, I love my life.  While there are ups and down, good days and HORRIBLE days, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Would it be nice to be around family?  Would it be nice to have a helping hand once in a while?  Sure!!  But this is the life my husband and I chose.  With it comes many securities that I'm not ready to let go of.  So while I do have friends out there that look at me as some Super Woman, I am not.  I'm just an ordinary person.  I'm just a mother and a wife....who happens to have a husband/daddy in the Army.

I HAVE to live with this kind of perspective on life.  I spent the first couple years of my husbands career in the Army feeling sorry for myself.  We have, more often then not, been "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to our family back home.  And due to that, I don't want to go back.  I refuse to live with that sadness in my heart and the bitterness.  This has been an emotional roller coaster of a ride for me the last several years but I've come to find my place, I've come to realize who I am.

I had often doubted myself and my capabilities as a mother and wife.  But I know that I am a damned good wife and mother!  But I also know that I do not "deserve" to be praised for it, nor to I expect to be held to any other standard than anyone else.

I guess I kind of got sidetracked here with my ramblings as I often do, but I just needed to jot all of this down while I had a few minutes to myself before I hit the shower and read my devotionals.

Stay tuned.  This weekend I should be blogging about our newest care packages we'll be sending out to daddy!!

xoxo

Deployment #2: Let the Roller Coaster begin.

My husband, my hero, has departed on his second tour to Afghanistan.  It's hard to put into words the emotions that you feel during this time.  While at the same time you just want to send them off already (the quicker they leave, the quicker they return...right?) you're heart feels as though it's being ripped out of your chest and stomped on.  You're emotionally spent, often times can't seem to catch your breath or ease the nausea in your gut.  Yet, you're heart flutters with pride at the same time.

This isn't our first rodeo though, so I feel as though I was emotionally prepared the best that I could be.  While my heart aches for my husband's presence here, I feel as though I'm adjusting and coping well (especially in comparison to last deployment).

I have several friends who are on this roller coaster with me, yet it's their first deployment.  My heart hurts so much to see them settling into depression and anxiety.  I know how they feel.  I did not cope well last deployment.  It was EXTREMELY rough on myself, my marriage and my family.  I was not in a good mental state, I had a serious lack of a steady support system, I lived off post, and had almost no friends at all.  I was bound and determined to jump out of my comfort zone this time.

Not only have I been involved with our FRG for nearly 4 years now, but I have also taken on the position of Deputy Mayor for the village I live in on post, enrolled my boys in sports throughout the summer, enrolled myself in full time college to earn my degree in Criminal Justice, joined a wonderful company selling Scentsy (holla!!), made new friends, etc.

The key to making it through deployment is embracing it!  Yes, we are without our husbands, yes they are in war (very real, very VERY scary), yes we are sexually deprived.  But does that define us?  Surely they would not want us suffering the entire time they are gone.

One of my favorite past times during deployment is coming up with fun and creative Care Package idea's.  Themed boxes, shopping for things to fill them, packaging them up, writing love notes, taking pictures, recording video's, and sending them off to my love down range.  Not only does this let them know that you love them more than ever but that you are constantly thinking of them.  I'm a worrier.  I wonder if he's eating and sleeping, if he's healthy or sick.  My way of taking care of my Soldier is by packaging up my love and sending it to him.

Ladies, it's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry.  It's sure as hell okay to have bad days now and again.  But join with me, lets stand strong, lock arms, and face this deployment in the same manner our Soldiers are.  Brave and Strong.  We will NOT be knocked down and we will not be defeated!

My home is always open.  Chick flick's, popcorn, wine, spa treatments, care package parties, gossiping, and crying together!  We can do this.  Our men need us to hold up the homefront, to keep it together, and to support them and love them.  So let's wipe our tears and start smiling.  Each new day is another day down, another day closer to painting welcome home signs!

Many hugs to all of my fellow deployment buddies!
xoxo

Here's my Easter package!  One of 3 boxes I'm sending in his first batch!